i really don't even know how to carry on a conversation with my dad anymore ~ it is like we are strangers. he has his life, i have my life, and rarely do they intersect one another. he is busy busy busy with his boys which, over the past 15 years has left very little time for him to have time for his daughters. maybe it is how parent / child relationships go ~ but i guess i always thought that no matter what age i was i would need a dad ~ we live in the same town and i can go weeks without speaking to him.
i guess like i have said before ~ life is not what i ever would have imagined it was going to be ~ this was not what i was dreaming of at all....
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
we are so different.....
if i weren't at home with my kids today for my day off i would be at lake michigan watching the water and trying to figure life out ~ i know i would not come up with any answers, but maybe i would feel better afterwards. i would also blog the day away ~ i have so many thoughts i want to blog out ~ like why is it that i am never in the right place at the right time for that one amazing thing to happen to me like it seems to for a lot of people ~ or, why i feel like such a stranger in my own home town where i have grown up and lived most of my life ~ why i would never imagine going to a demolition derby at the 4H fair (which i am sure is part of the reason why i feel like a stranger ) ~ why people who have hurt you can't just apologize and admit they were wrong and hurting you was never their intention ~ and on and on and on..... perhaps someday i will have free time to further delve into these ideas, until then they will be on my list of "blogs to do".
like i said, today i feel do-less ~ my kids are watching miss spider's sunnypatch kids, i just paid the first payment on my brand new 2011 honda odyssey van, which reminds me why i will be so glad when my kids go back to school because between my payment and summer childcare i have abolutely no money ~ and my mind is in 2 other places ~ like it is most of the time ~ with a certain person and in a certain beach town in michigan. i am an avid harry potter fan and it is on days like today that i would love for magic to be real so that i could apparate out of this life and into the one where i want to be.
this week a friend of mine told me how stressed out and overwhelmed life was making her ~ she was so stressed out ~ but as she told me her issues all i kept thinking was "i would take your stress anyday over mine" ~ and it made me think of my friends and what is happening in their lives and how although we are all stressed out ~ our stress comes from completely different issues ~ and the realization that my life stresses would not be stress to someone else, and theirs may not be stressful to me. i have a friend who is going through a lawsuit that has been pending for 2 1/2 years while medical bills are adding up and her husband hates his job but doesn't want to look for something else because he has the insurance and because of the accident there are medical issues and until they can come up with a settlement from the trucking company whose driver caused the accident he has to keep their medical insurance ~ yes that is stressful ~ maybe i could handle that.
i have friends with stress because of their jobs, stress because they would love to have more children but can't, stress because their spouses have gotten laid off and how are they going to pay their bills, stress because they are wanting to change jobs but their medical situation is such that no insurance company would probably touch them to insure them if they left their current job, stress because children are making poor life choices and hanging out with people they shouldn't be, stress because their oldest son is heading off to college in a month leaving a huge void in their life and all the additional stress that brings to life, a friend who is trying to sell their house because she left her job and cut their income by 2/3 and their house won't sell, LOTS OF ISSUES..... but some i would probably give my right arm for in order to get rid of mine ! i get hung up in this hamster wheel of sorts where i say ~ my issues are so inconsequential compared to those of my friends ~ my issues are so selfish compared to theirs. so i try for as long as i can to stuff mine and bury them and hope i ignore them enough that i forget they are even there, but because i am a hamster running a wheel, eventually they keep coming back to the forefront, and i push and stuff them again, and then they come around again... you get the picture!!
i hope that someday ( which i have realized over the past few years that i keep saying someday ~ i need to come to the realization that there is no such day as someday ! ~ but i suppose that is the dreamer in me) ... i hope that eventually i will acknowledge that even though my issues are not what others are facing, they are real in my life and maybe they do deal with love and marriage and hope, but they are real to me and my life ~ they are my issues.
recently a friend of mine unloaded on me all of her junk ~ some things that i had experienced before and others that i hadn't so at least i could listen and help in the best way that i could ~ in the end i told her ~ do you know why your issues are so different from my issues? because if we all walked around with the same garbage we wouldn't be able to help each other because we would all be so down in the pit over the same thing that no one would know how to help each other. it is easy for me to help her when her issues aren't mine ~ i am glad to help her to get my mind off of my garbage for awhile.
we are all so different ... maybe that is the best thing that we have in common!!
like i said, today i feel do-less ~ my kids are watching miss spider's sunnypatch kids, i just paid the first payment on my brand new 2011 honda odyssey van, which reminds me why i will be so glad when my kids go back to school because between my payment and summer childcare i have abolutely no money ~ and my mind is in 2 other places ~ like it is most of the time ~ with a certain person and in a certain beach town in michigan. i am an avid harry potter fan and it is on days like today that i would love for magic to be real so that i could apparate out of this life and into the one where i want to be.
this week a friend of mine told me how stressed out and overwhelmed life was making her ~ she was so stressed out ~ but as she told me her issues all i kept thinking was "i would take your stress anyday over mine" ~ and it made me think of my friends and what is happening in their lives and how although we are all stressed out ~ our stress comes from completely different issues ~ and the realization that my life stresses would not be stress to someone else, and theirs may not be stressful to me. i have a friend who is going through a lawsuit that has been pending for 2 1/2 years while medical bills are adding up and her husband hates his job but doesn't want to look for something else because he has the insurance and because of the accident there are medical issues and until they can come up with a settlement from the trucking company whose driver caused the accident he has to keep their medical insurance ~ yes that is stressful ~ maybe i could handle that.
i have friends with stress because of their jobs, stress because they would love to have more children but can't, stress because their spouses have gotten laid off and how are they going to pay their bills, stress because they are wanting to change jobs but their medical situation is such that no insurance company would probably touch them to insure them if they left their current job, stress because children are making poor life choices and hanging out with people they shouldn't be, stress because their oldest son is heading off to college in a month leaving a huge void in their life and all the additional stress that brings to life, a friend who is trying to sell their house because she left her job and cut their income by 2/3 and their house won't sell, LOTS OF ISSUES..... but some i would probably give my right arm for in order to get rid of mine ! i get hung up in this hamster wheel of sorts where i say ~ my issues are so inconsequential compared to those of my friends ~ my issues are so selfish compared to theirs. so i try for as long as i can to stuff mine and bury them and hope i ignore them enough that i forget they are even there, but because i am a hamster running a wheel, eventually they keep coming back to the forefront, and i push and stuff them again, and then they come around again... you get the picture!!
i hope that someday ( which i have realized over the past few years that i keep saying someday ~ i need to come to the realization that there is no such day as someday ! ~ but i suppose that is the dreamer in me) ... i hope that eventually i will acknowledge that even though my issues are not what others are facing, they are real in my life and maybe they do deal with love and marriage and hope, but they are real to me and my life ~ they are my issues.
recently a friend of mine unloaded on me all of her junk ~ some things that i had experienced before and others that i hadn't so at least i could listen and help in the best way that i could ~ in the end i told her ~ do you know why your issues are so different from my issues? because if we all walked around with the same garbage we wouldn't be able to help each other because we would all be so down in the pit over the same thing that no one would know how to help each other. it is easy for me to help her when her issues aren't mine ~ i am glad to help her to get my mind off of my garbage for awhile.
we are all so different ... maybe that is the best thing that we have in common!!
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