all i want for christmas....

now is the time when everyone starts asking "what do you want for christmas?". well, it is quite different as an adult answering that question than it ever was as a child or teenager. but, somehow, i think that even as a child and as a teenager what i really wanted for christmas were intangibles. sure, i always wanted toys, a car, money, clothes, the usual things that all kids want. but deep down, i have always been ~ what have i said in the past ~ a dreamer. i have somehow always felt the need for something deeper in my life and found meaning in so many things that other people my age may have overlooked.


a year or so ago i took one of those "tests" that determine what your natural, maybe even God given, strengths or talents were. wow, let me say that i wish i would have taken this test @ 22 instead of @ 40 ~ i believe that maybe my life would somehow be different had i actually realized that the way i am wired makes me very deep and compassionate. no wonder things affect me the way they do ~ even the silly little things. the 3 that stand out the most to me and make so much sense to me now that someone has actually defined these characteristics are:

empathy, positivity, and connectedness

when i read the descriptions of each of these "strengths" and then looked at myself i realized why i had always acted, responded, and felt in situations in the ways that i had.

empathy ~ well, we all know and understand empathy ~ but i guess for me, i take it to the "Nth" degree.

here is the description that was given : you can sense the emotions of those around you. you can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. you do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. you do not necessarily feel pity for each person's predicament ~ this would be sympathy, not empathy. you do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. this instinctive ability to understand is powerful. you hear the unvoiced questions. you anticpate the need. where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. you help people find the right phrases to express their feelings ~ to themselves as well as to others. you help them give voice to their emotional life. for all of these reasons other people are drawn to you.

ok, so, once i read this i knew it was me ~ dead on ~ an extremely thorough explanation of one of the ways that i "feel" my way through life. and i do feel my way through life ~ many people reason their way through life but i am not one of those people.

positivity ~ you are generous to praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. some call you light ~ hearted. others just wish their glass were as full as yours seems to be. but either way, people want to be around you. their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drap with repetition, or worse, heavy laden with pressure. you seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. you inject drama into every project. you celebrate every achievement. you find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. somehow you can't quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one's sense of humor.

i can honestly say that yes, this used to be so ME ~ not so much over the past couple of years, but the majority of my life this was who i was. ok, now couple that with the empathy ~ wow ~ a lot of reasons why i did or do things started to make so much sense to me after this. now, wait until you read the third, connectedness.

connectedness ~ things happen for a reason. you are SURE of it. you are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from earth and the life on it. this feeling of connectedness implies certain responsibilities. if we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. we must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. your awareness of these responsibilites creates your value system. ( wow ~ does it ever ! i guess that is where my liberalism comes into play ) you are considerate, caring and accepting. certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. the exact articles of your faith will depend upon your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. it sustains you and your close friends in the face of life's mysteries.

after reading all 3 of these strengths i sort of said ~ no wonder i am the way i am ~ it all makes sense now ~ i makes sense to me now !! i am wired this way ~ it is NOT a mistake!!!

maybe taking this test @ 20 wouldn't have given me much insight into myself as it did in taking it @ 40 ~ at 20 i am sure that i didn't have enough life experiences to draw upon or to actually come up with patterns of behavior like i did @ 40. i used to say to a friend of mine ~ if i am an expert on anything in this world, i am an expert on "me" ~ i do know myself very well ~ and after taking this test i feel like i know myself even better.

so, what in the heck does this have to do with what i want for christmas????? i will tell you.

my favorite answer to this question is this ~ and it is true and comes from my heart and i wish it every year ~ not just at christmastime ~ all the time!!

".....no more lives torn apart ~ that wars would never start ~

and time would heal all hearts

everyone would have a friend ~ right would always win ~

and love would never end

this is my grown up christmas list....."

these are not my own words ~ i have stolen them from a beautiful song, originally sung by amy grant. but, if i had to come up with words to express what i would want for christmas, this is pretty much, exactly, what i would say. and, understanding the way i am wired helps me understand why this is what i would want over anything else!!

whatever it happens to be that you want for christmas ~ i hope it comes from your heart and truly makes you happy !!

i am just not that kind of girl ... or am i ????

i was on facebook the other day and a friend of mine made the comment that there was nothing that would ever entice her enough to head out in the early hours of the morning on the friday after thanksgiving in order to get the best deal on any given item. i commented back to her that i totally agreed ~ however ~ there might be a couple of things that could entice me enough to actually get out there on black friday: 1) if i were going to be given all the money in the world ~ or if i could have all the money that i ever wanted or needed, then i am sure that would be enticement enough to get me out there shopping with all the rest of the shopoholics, or 2) if i were granted a 30 day funfilled vacation on necker island with matt lauer, then YES, most definitely YES i would get out there on the friday after thanksgiving to shop ~ because as any of my friends know ~ i would do ANYTHNG for matt lauer!! :) he is sort of one of my obsessions ~ but that is a story for another blog !!


but just look at him ~ sigh ~ he is a hottie!!



ok, ok, back to my thoughts of shopping !



i don't know that there is anything that i need badly enough to get me up at any hours of the night/morning to shop for christmas. i just don't see the "rush" in it that people say they get ~ but to each his own. i am sure that people don't get the "rush" like i do for matt so i agree it is a personal preference.


actually, this year, i am shocked that i had most of my shopping done before thanksgiving! that typically never happens and for some reason i am ahead of the game this year and i actually feel great about it. typically i am one of those people who, during the week of christmas, is shopping around looking for things that are just not available anymore because they are all sold out. but this year ~ i am not sure what got into me ~ but something did ~ and i have "wii rock band" for my oldest son, a "wii" guitar for my second son, an american girl doll for my daughter and various other wii games ~ nintendo ds games ~ leapster games ~ classic scabble ~ doll accessories ~ books ~ legos ~ play doh ~ underwear ~ YEP ~ my kids are all taken care of and it isn't even december !! yeah me!!


the rest of my family ~ well that is another story. they are never as easy as my children are. although, i do have a great gift idea for my girlfriends ~ i hope they like what i give them ! it is nothing super great ~ but i know that it is a perfect "me" gift and i hope they like it!


that is really my favorite part of the holiday ~ doing special things for people i love. i sort of like to think that i don't save up all my love for christmas day ~ i want to spread it around all through the year ~ but at christmastime i like to share the love even more!!


happy shopping !! i hope you can find what you are looking for this holiday season!!

a day of giving thanks....

thank - ful (adj)
concious of benefit received; expressive of thanks; well pleased

as i sit and think today about being thankful i remember i do have so many things to be thankful for:
~ food, shelter, clothing ~ definitely the basics of life

~ life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness ~ thanks to founding fathers of this country and their radical thinking ( they don't call it a revolution for nothing ! )

~ a wonderful, nurturing, loving family ~ however disfunctional it truly is (referencing my family of origin )

~ a husband who, for some crazy reason, still loves me even though the past 3 years of our lives have most likely been the worst years of our marriage

~ 3 of the most beautiful, intelligient, uniquely gifted children whom God has blessed me with the task of raising and nurturing

~ a job ~ well, and right now i am just thankful for a job ~ it is what it is

~ a life rich with amazing people who have crossed my path who i am able to call friends or best friends, mentors, inspirations, and angels who provide me with sanity in the midst of confusion, calmness in the midst of chaos, laughter when i feel like crying, tears when i feel like giving up, strength when i don't think i can take another step, and prayers when i can't find the words

~ a love of living life

~ a love of music which touches me deeply and is truly the music of my soul

~ depth to know myself and know what i need in order to find peace and contentment

~ for finding something every once in awhile that is truly extraordinary and special and something i can hold deep within my heart

most thankful for the God who gives me grace, has patience, has some sort of crazy plan for my life that He chooses not to give me any future glimpse of, who also offers me salvation and eternal life ~

so much to be thankful for ~ life really is a gift .... and i am truly thankful !!

yes, i live with my head in the clouds....

Five for Fighting ~ World

i love this song because, as i said, i live with my head in the clouds ~ i see the world as it should be and say "why not?" ~ instead of looking at it as it is and asking "why?"

although, i will say that it gets me into so much trouble ~ mostly because ~ that isn't reality!! i try all the time to stop being a dreamer ~ but that is just who i am ~ i accept it. i know that there are realists out there who look at me and think i am nutz ~ but i really don't care ~ accept it because it isn't going to change no matter how much you try to change me!! besides, realists and dreamers balance the world out and i truly believe that is how the world was meant to be.

i don't mind living with my head in the clouds ~ the world looks amazing from my vantage point!

ugh..now i know why they call it pandora :(

sitting in my stupid office ~ alone ~ because, well it is a long story. see , i used to work with this wonderful, amazing person ~ carrie ~ but another, better opportunity came along for her ( i would never want to stand in the way of a great career move for anyone *sniffle, sniffle*) and she scooped it up and, i am sure, never looked back. i am so, so, very happy for her because i know it was the best thing for her but, now, i sit in my office 3 days a week ~ alone; and it is very lonely. the best companions i have are facebook and pandora.

oh pandora ~ i have finally figured you out and why your name is what it is. pandora's box is actually what i am sure you were meant to be called ~ because opening you up i find all kinds of wonderful music to listen to ~ anything i want to hear you offer me. pandora's box because you are chock full of surprises, songs that i haven't heard in ages ~ or songs that i can hear anytime on any given radio station ~ you are that diverse. however, i think the real reason you are named pandora is not for what you have to offer me musically ~ it is more because listening to you the pandora's box in my mind starts opening up and going hundreds of places that i am sure i thought i had forgotten or places that i am sure that i shouldn't even go!! you open up the pandora's box that is my mind and that is definitely not, i repeat NOT, a good thing at all.

with my thoughts places where i am sure they shouldn't be ~ plus being alone in this damn office ~ it is a double whammy ~ and i am so screwed!!

when i plug in a channel that is "rob thomas" or "phil collins" or "james taylor" ~ it makes me remember this stupid dreamer that i am and it kills me. so, "change the station" you say ~ but, maybe (in a weird kind of "me" way ) i like dreaming those stupid things that come to mind, thinking of the impossible, fantasizing about things i know that will never be but that the mere thoughts of them make me so very happy!! yes, in some ways it helps me get through what is my reality !

i have to say, honestly, i am a very lucky and blessed person. i have three beautiful children who love me to pieces, a great husband who is a wonderful father, an all around good and decent person who puts up with a lot of shit from me (particulary in the past 3 years) and, for the most part, lets me have a life and understands that being married isn't going to be the "end all ~ be all" to my life. so, really, my reality is so much better than most people's realities are ~ but, and there is always a "but" isn't there and sometimes it is a HUGE "but" ~ there are times when i want more. selfish ~ ungrateful person that i am, it is true. and you, pandora, you make me remember that sometimes i do want more.

to quote my favorite 21st century philosopher, jimmy buffett, just say Someday I Will.

" i see a white sail skipping cross a blue bay and i say

someday i will

i see a young man strumming on a green guitar and i say someday i will

i don't have a plan, it's not that kind of thing ~

i'm not Martin Luther King

i don't have a dream, it's just sometimes i know ~ that's the way i'm supposed to go

so whatever thrills you ~ anything you love to do ~ just say someday i will

don't need to know who may help you make it come true ~ just say someday i will

you don't have to work it all out ~ you don't have to tear it all apart ~

all you need's a place to start

and if it never worked before, try it just once more ~ that's what your heart is for

whether it's big or small ~ if you have a passion at all ~ just say SOMEDAY I WILL ! :)

muffins ~ who would have thought???

this is me ~ yes, this is most likely the single best picture of me ever taken post wedding day photos. i use it for mostly everything that needs my picture ~ facebook, blog, twitter ~ because, of course, i want everyone to think i really look this way every day!!

i am very lucky in the fact that in 3 weeks i will be heading south with 3 friends of mine for a little girlfriend r & r. however, i am dealing with exactly what i will look like in a bathing suit next to the 3 of them ~ one who runs 5k's like they are nothing ~ another who you could never even tell has had 4 children ~ and the 3rd, well, let's just say she looks great in anything and probably doesn't really need to ever exercise but she does anyway. UGH!!!! and then there is me... you know that term "muffintop" ~ well i am that.

whoever came up with that term, i have to give them credit ~ because ~ well ~ it is really accurate!! all of this gooey muffin hanging out over the sides of the wrapper = squsishey body fat hanging over the top of low rise bluejeans. definitely accurate to me. i have definitely tried to watch myself, i mean i do NOT want to be wearing mid~drift shirts and have this muffin hanging out all over the place, well because i think it just looks ugly. and it amazes me how there are people out there who have a lot of muffin hanging out and they wear short tops and they just don't care that they have the muffin top look. me, i just can't do it ~ call it vanity or self consciousness or whatever, but i could never pull it off. the thing that completely amazes me is that they have to look in a mirror before they leave the house looking like that ~ and they are ok with what they see ~ it doesn't bother them in the least to have this huge muffin oozing out over the tops of their blue jeans. i guess that is what is the difference in my generation and the generation after me ~ they don't give a

flying f%#$ what john q. public thinks of them; which is where i get stuck every damn time. i could not go out in public because i would know that i look like a muffin and while muffins are yummy to eat and they smell wonderful baking ~ i don't want to look like one. it just isn't attractive to me ~ but to each his own i guess and they do say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder ! i just don't want my beholder to see a muffin when they look at me!! i think it is just sort of like saying "eat me"!! hahahhaha

yah, i do weigh as much now as i did when i was pregnant with my 3rd child, but i do have some dignity left when it comes to sauntering out in public. i am working on 8 lbs in the next 3 weeks, me and the girlfriend who has had the 4 children. she has her plan ~ i think she said chai and laxatives ~ i am sure that will work for her! i can't imagine her needing to lose 8lbs anyway ~ she is tall and gorgeous and most likely a size 6. me, i am thinking south beach diet bar diet. that is all i will eat; breakfast, lunch, and dinner. i think i can make that work for me ~ we'll see in 3 weeks how i am doing!!

what a "gleeful" world !!

"i was born in a small town, and i live in a small town, probably die in a small town, oh that's probably where they'll bury me."

and thank you john mellancamp for these wonderful but very depressing lyrics!!

yes, one of my very FAVORITE tv shows is "glee" and if i could live my life breaking out into song for certain situations in my life ~ you betcha ~ i totally would ! i think i will just sort of blog that way and revert to song lyrics when the mood strikes me to further illustrate exactly what i am trying to express!! if there were a song i would be singing right now it would be "small town" by mellancamp. yes, i live in a small town, i have lived in this same small town for the majority of my life ~ and i hate it.

let me tell you about my small town. today was the big high school homecoming football game and every year they have a parade through the middle of town with the football team and floats and homecoming queen candidates riding atop convertibles like pageant contestants ~ yah ~ cheesey ~ you honestly would have to see it to believe it! i just happened to be out doing some serious errand running about the time i heard it ~ the fire engine sirens signalling that the parade was starting to come through downtown. yes, you read it correctly, i did say fire engine sirens ~ it's like i told you ~ it is a huge deal in my "small town".

as i was trying to finish up what i needed to get accomplished there was something like this magnetic pull drawing me to the parade to see just how insane the whole entire thing was. as hard as i tried to fight it i couldn't resist walking away from my car and to the side of the street so that i could see for myself the homecoming festivities. and there they were, the mighty football players on their float behind the fire truck ~ then the truck carrying the high school principal and his cute little wife and their adorable children ~ then the band playing the school fight song that i will not admit that i think i still know the words to. the football players were on not only 1 float ~ but 2 floats solely dedicated to them. the first float for SENIORS ONLY ~ the stars of the team, playing their final homecoming game of their high school careers ~ the second float carrying the remainder of the team and coaches. after the football players were, as i imagined, the homecoming queen candidates perched atop the convertibles in their strapless evening gowns waving to the crowd like any good pageant contestant is taught how to do. next were the cheerleaders ~ who were certainly not very cheerful ~ they were SITTING on the float and i heard more noise from the football players on their float than i did from those so called cheerleaders. next were a few more lesser significant teams from the school like boys and girls soccer and then a couple of school clubs with floats then the class floats ~ one for each grade; freshman, sophomore, junior, senior. following up in the rear were 2 police cars with lights flashing making sure that these local celebraties were escorted through town without any mishaps.

it was over ~ and however much i didn't want to be captivated by this small town event ~ somehow i was, but i was struck with disbelief as i was standing there thinking "this is just not where i belong". never in a million years did i ever think i would be living in the small town where i grew up ~ i suppose i have to blame my husband for that. you see, he did not grow up in this small town and for whatever the reason he loves it and does not want to leave ~ even though i drop hints about moving all the time. i have a theory about my small town ~ it is that if you didn't grow up here and you found yourself here because this was where your career lead you then you really like living here, you appreciate the smallness. on the other hand ~ those of us who grew up here and because of marriage or careers have remained here, most of "us" don't like it quite so much. for me it is almost claustrophobic ~ it doesn't seem to be as quaint and picturesque as the small town that john mellancamp describes in his song.

"somewhere over the rainbow way up high there's a land that i've heard of once in a lullaby. somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. someday i'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me ~ where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me. somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly. birds fly over the rainbow why then oh why can't i ? "

this was sort of more what i was thinking as i was growing up ~ that i wouldn't find myself staying here. i agree that it is a nice town ~ just not the what i would consider my place over the rainbow.

let's make a deal.....

take a deep breath in and a deep breath out, again, again, again....... lightheaded but having to face the truth ~ i have to do something this weekend that only those who really know me know how much i dread when it comes around ~ the weekend at the inlaws... ( i hear scary theme music in the background as i am writing ! )


yes, it is true ~ i would rather suffer from a 48 hour migraine than visit my inlaws ~ and i have been visiting them for 17 years now, you would think the anxiety brought on by the thought of these visits would have subsided. maybe it has changed from anxiety to just plain indifference. i just do not want to go. it isn't that my inlaws are bad people, or messy, or loud, or odd ~ it is just that i have nothing in common with them. let's face it, they are my grandparents' ages ( that is if i had any grandparents that were still living God bless their wonderful souls). actually i will take that back, i suppose i do have 4 things in common with them ~ my husband and my three children ~ after that ~ nope ~ not a thing.




my inlaws live approximately four hours from where we live and so 3 or 4 times a year we pack up everything but the kitchen sink because with 3 children that is just how it works. we make sure the vehicle dvd players are both working properly and that there are movies appropriate for each child ages 5, 6, and 12. we make sure everyone has made one last bathroom stop and we hop in the car and go. not exactly vacation a la chevy chase ~ but you get the picture.


and, i must admit, now that infant and toddler car seats are no longer in the picture it is a little bit better ~ until one of them says "mom, he's leaning on me" or "mom will you tell her to stop looking at me" or one of another hundred phrases that every parent has heard along the way when everyone piles in the car for a trip.



really ~ the trip is painless compared to what it is like when we arrive. you see, my husband is an only child which makes our 3 children their only grandchildren ~ for ever and ever ~ amen. it kills me what they do for our kids ~ goofy silly stuff and i just want to say "STOP! STOP GIVING MY KIDS STUPID JUNK THAT THEY DON'T NEED FROM THE DOWNTOWN DIME STORE."



but, i bite my tongue and look for the wine, grab my book, and find a nice quiet corner to plant myself in for the next 48 hours. there won't be any meals "in" because, of course, they are at the age when they eat out for every meal. and it is always the same places every visit ~ nothing changes, it is like a time warp and everytime we get there it is like we never left ~ it all stays the same. even their house and the furniture ~ nothing ever gets rearranged or nothing new is ever brought in. and yes, i am sure you are wondering, yes it does look like a page out of a vintage 1970's House Beautiful ~ you know with panelled walls and a very large baby grand piano in a room that is too small with green shag carpet. like i said, it is a time warp ~ it makes me want to break out my platform shoes and grab my husband's polyester leisure suit and put on Saturday Night Fever !!


as people go, they are fine, but i am sure that if it were not for the fact that they are my inlaws they are not the type of people that i would gravitate toward to get to know better. we are just very different and the longer i am married the more evident it becomes and the more i am just at the point where i want to look at my husband and say ~" i am not going this time. your parents want to see you and the kids not me, and to be quite honest with you, i am ok with that." i think that in every marriage there comes a time when that is ok to say and you and your spouse should figure out how to be ok with that decision and know that it isn't done to hurt someone's feelings it is just the way it is.



however, instead of saying that to my husband i will use this trip as leverage ~ and make a deal with him ~ you see ~ there is this great trip i am planning on taking with my girlfriends in november so the more i think about it the more i am willing to suffer this weekend so that i get the all clear when it is time for me to head south on my girlfriend getaway. aaaahhhhhhh (sigh) i can almost taste those yummy pomegranate martinis now ~ go ahead, make mine a double, i need it !!

ME vs. MOM

today i have to be domestic ~ that means i must be productive ~ i must go to the grocery store (which i think most days i would rather slit my wrists than do) ~ i must do laundry or the five people in this house will have no clean clothes to wear. i am sure that i have made my 12yo son wear the same pair of jeans enough this week that soon he is going to turn me in to cps for neglect. i always imagined "someday" when i would have someone come in and clean my house for me, grocery shop for me, do my laundry, etc. while i happily sip starbuck's or margaritas with my wonderful girlfriends. hmmmm, i guess i realize that i am that someone i have been waiting for. ha!!

friday is the one day of the week that i have to myself and dammit ~ i just want to play on the computer all day or go to the lake or go shopping or ~ anything but be domestic and do those things that i am supposed to do. friday is supposed to be MY day ~ and never in my craziest dreams ( and believe me i have a wonderfully wild imagination ) did i ever think that i would have to spend MY day doing all of those domestic duties. let's face it ~ i just want one day a week to rip off that mom label and be this person i think i once was ~ cindy. maybe that is what girlfriend getaways are for ~ and i actually do have one of those coming up in a couple of months! so, maybe today i will be a little of both ~ i was never good at balancing and MOM vs ME is definitely a balancing act that i am still trying to master.

those three little words.....

no, i am not referring to "i am sorry" or " i love you" ~ i am referring to "mommy i'm sick" which i guess should be four words since one is actually a hyphenated word which i know has some special term that i used in elementary school but for the life of me cannot remember what it is!!

so anyway, those are the words my husband and i woke up to this morning @ approximately 3:30a.m. ahhhhhhh, (huge sigh) the joys of having children!! my youngest, 5yrs old, had sort of been out of sorts all evening. i mean, she was crying when i picked her up from daycare but she never said anything about not feeling well so, of course, i did what every mom who craves mommy time does, i drug her to our normal wednesday night activity so that she could hang with her girls and i could hang with mine. well, as i was chatting with my girls she fell asleep on the chairs beside me ~ i guess that should have been my first clue that, yes, something really was wrong with her!! so i continued to chat with my girls ~ thinking that my poor little girl was just exhausted from a long weekend away and later than normal nights. in comes my husband to see what was going on with her, and most likely to tell me that i am being a neglectful parent, and decides he will take her home so that i could finish my girl time. i do have to give him credit ~ he is very good about making sure he gives me space for girl time ~ i suppose because he is hoping it will lead to some "him" time once all three of our beautiful little darling children are snug in their beds. but, since i was still coming out of a small bout with something myself, let's just say the "him" time didn't happen. instead i was in bed by 9pm reading my book for a group study i am in and watching the semi finals of "america's got talent". i know i fell asleep before i found out who the final four acts were going to be in the top 10, (damn!) ~ thank God for yahoo news!! i was rooting for prince poppycock for starters ~ and yes !! ha made it!!!

anyway, back to the original story ~ yes ~ we heard those three little words from our youngest around 3:30a.m. this morning and i have sort of been up ever since taking care of her, watching reruns of shows that i probably never saw the originals of when they were first out on tv, like "who's the boss" and "frasier". i have checked out facebook about a zillion times and read blogs that i have neglected over the past few days.

(this is hayden on a good day!! all smiles!)

my daughter is feeling somewhat better and is asleep at the moment. children always look so peaceful when they are asleep!! me, i suppose i should be sleeping, or being domestic ~ i mean i have loads of laundry to do and a house that is, well let's just say could use some straightening up. but, at home down time doesn't happen very often for me very so i think i will just enjoy sitting here in my pj's, drinking my coffee, and indulging in this unexpected me time. you never know ~ i just might hear those three little words again tonight from one of my other children!!

ok, so yes, i am jealous

blog, blog, what is in a blog??? well, i have this girlfriend who blogs this fabulous little blog and i just love it!!! i am too busy reading her blogs to actually write my own blog i guess. so i am trying to channel her energy into my blog ....... hmmmmmmmm (sitting on floor meditation style) ...... well, let me keep trying! until then let me tell you why i love her blog so much ~ because it is real ~ it is her ~ she is so matter of fact and says it like it is ~ i feel like i am having a conversation with her everytime i read it and then comment. it is like she is naked and she doesn't care who sees her ~ and I LOVE IT!~!!!
unfortunately, if i decide to strip right here, right now, in front of you ~ well, you wouldn't be able to find your off button fast enough!! my nakedness ~ well ~ let's just say ~ i am not very comfortable in the buff. she makes her everyday life sound so "not so ordinary" ~ she finds humor and sanity and insanity and love and passion and sweat and tears and chickens and church and karma and jimmy buffett and conspiracy, well, you name it ~ she makes it all make sense ~ well at least sense to me so maybe that is why i love it and her so much.

i am going to start hanging out more in the buff ~ well, maybe just one little piece at a time ~ but soon it will all be off so watch out ~ keep that off button close!!

let's just start with this ~ i live in this small town in the midwest, i pretty much grew up here and i will have to say that in the thirtysome years that i have lived here it hasn't changed much. if i am blogging thirty years from now i bet it will still be the same town as it is today ~ which to me is very depressing. i tell my husband all the time ~ "i don't mind if you look for a new job somewhere else, another city, another state, far far away", and well, unfortunately he loves it here. ( i believe it is because he did NOT grow up here! ) you see, he is an only child ~ and my whole family lives in my hometown and he LOVES having family around. me, well, let's just say that i love my family too but i am sure i could still love them just as much from a distance! so i keep trying to figure out the best way to live here and not fall into the black hole that i believe it really is. there is something here that just sucks the life out of me ~ but what is worse is that i let it suck the life out of me. so i now try to find the extraordinary in the mundane ~ but sometimes mundane is just that ~ blah!! silver lining ~ i guess that is what they would call it ~ whoever "they" are ~ that is what i will try to find from now on. my girlfriend has definitely found the silver lining and she is having a blast with it. i will keep trying to channel my inner "oxymoron" (which is what she calls herself) in the meantime ~ if there is anyone out there who actually reads this you should follow her blog @ http://thetameone.blogspot.com
have fun getting acquainted with her. and yes, i am jealous because she looks great naked, figuratively speaking!!

you've got something to say.....

well, i have to be honest ~ i have a lot to say ~ however lately i have been thinking quite a bit about how people can be so judgemental, yes myself included. recently someone out there has been rubbing me the wrong way and i am sure if i said the sky was pink they would say it was green.

i have learned a lot in my life and have gone through some experiences that i would never care to share with anyone ~ well ~ mostly because people are judgemental. but i will tell you this and i know it for a fact ~ you can say until you are blue in the face that if you are ever faced with (fill in the blank here) you know for sure xyz is what you would do and abc is what you would not do. well, i am here to tell you ~ don't be so sure of yourself ~ because it just might be that abc is what you do and then, omg, you have some real soul searching to do.

in light of these experiences of mine i have to say that i try my best never to look at a situation and say "i would never do that, say that", etc. believe me ~ you never know until you are right there in the middle of it what you will really do ~ so in the future ~ just love everyone like jesus and keep your judgements to yourself and i will hope that you never have to eat your words.

forgetting

i am in a place in my life right now where i am being asked to forget ~ forget that the past 2 years of my life happened ~ say good-bye to a person who has made such an impact on my life that without knowing them i am not sure where i would be right now. how do you forget a person once they have made such an impression on your heart ~ in your life? grieve it and move on ~ that is the advice i have been given. it is not as easy as it sounds ~ grieving that relationship ~ letting it go ~ it is like losing a part of myself; a really good part of myself ~ maybe the best part of me.

i am sure it will happen slowly and over time i won't feel so lost or hurt. the emptiness that letting go leaves behind is unbearable sometimes. i have been empty ~ i do not want to go back there ~ it is lonely ~ it is an existence ~ it is not really living. it will be difficult to go back to empty. i will work on it. i just know that the next few months are going to be difficult. it is a place i never imagined i would ever be ~ i guess that makes it even more painful.

i have this love for brian andreas, he is an artist and has some of the best quotes i know!! some of them mean so much to me because i feel like they describe me or my life as it is at this point in time. there is one that describes what i am going through and i read it over and over and over ~ someday i will share it!!

better than a "hallelujah" !!

as i have mentioned ~ music speaks to me and i recently heard a song that means the world to me right now because i know my journey has been a true struggle lately ~ much more crying out to God my misery rather than crying out worshipful joys and hallelujahs. this song reminds me that God loves those praises, but God also loves when we have nothing else to give but our pain so that God can help us to heal.
here are the words ~ it is beautiful!!

Better than a Hallelujah ~ Amy Grant

God loves a lullaby ~ in a mother's tears in the dead of night
better than a hallelujah sometimes
God loves the drunakards cry, the soldiers pleas not to let him die
better than a hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody
beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life, the dying man giving up the fight
are better than a hallelujah sometimes
tears of shame for what's been done, the silence when the words won't come
are better than a hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody
beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah.

why the my blog title

coming up with some type of title for a blog ~ or anything ~ that somewhat represents me as an individual was not as easy as i thought it would be. i am so many things ~ i have had so many experiences ~ there are many things that have contributed to the person i am today. one thing that has always been such a huge major part of my life is music. from the point when i can remember my life beginning as a young girl music has always been in the fabric of my life. i love music ~ not just the sound of music but the words of music. one of my favorite quotes about music is "music is the voice of the soul" and to me that sums it up. i am most in touch with who i am in my soul when i am listening to music. i connect with the words ~ many times i feel them and what the singer/songwriter may be trying to convey. so, i knew that part of what would express who i am in a blog would be related to music. the words themself "breathe in, breathe out, move on" are from one of my most current favorite jimmy buffett songs. here are the lyrics

i bought a cheap watch from the crazy man
floating down canal
it doesn't use numbers or moving hands
it always just says "now"
Now you may be thinking that i was had
but this watch is never wrong
and if i have trouble the warranty says
breathe in ~ breathe out ~ move on

if a hurricane doesn't leave you dead
it will make you strong
don't try to explain just nod your head
breathe in ~ breathe out ~ move on

according to my watch the time is now
the past is dead and gone
don't try to explain it just nod your head
breathe in ~ breathe out ~ move on
don't try to explain it just bow your head
breathe in ~ breathe out ~ move on.


that song sums me up ~ according to my watch the time is now ~ the past is dead and gone ~ don't try to explain it just bow your head ~ breathe in ~ breathe out ~ MOVE ON!!!

much much much easier said than done ~ but like i have said, i am a work in progress ~ i am on a journey ~ but i am listening to that still small voice inside that keeps saying "i am going to make it!"

ok, i am really doing it this time!!

i live in indiana ~ it is march madness time ~ actually the ncaa tournament is over and the butler bulldogs played their hearts out against the big bad blue devils of duke! what excitement ~ no really it was! i have friends who graduated from both schools and if i weren't such a "root for the underdog" kind of person i would have been cheering duke on all the way!! i just love coach k! plus, back in my college days i went to indiana university and duke always seemed to be a huge rival in the tournament ~ not quite sure if it was a bobby knight vs. coach k rivalry or a team rivalry but whatever it was it made for great basketball! butler was the cinderella team and it would have been awesome had they won but i am content in the fact knowing that they played their best and brought it down to the wire ~ it wasn't a blowout which is what some were thinking so that made me happy!

so basketball is over for a few months ~ moving on to baseball ~ not my favorite season but my son plays little league so i have to root for his team!! this is the first season we are playing on a traveling team ~ so we will see how it goes!! looking forward to it actually because he is getting so good at playing ! i think baseball and soccer will definitely be his sports!!

ok, so my blog, not too exciting yet!! i am hoping to get more comfortable here and have more meaningful things to post ~ but right now this is my so called life!!