ugh..now i know why they call it pandora :(

sitting in my stupid office ~ alone ~ because, well it is a long story. see , i used to work with this wonderful, amazing person ~ carrie ~ but another, better opportunity came along for her ( i would never want to stand in the way of a great career move for anyone *sniffle, sniffle*) and she scooped it up and, i am sure, never looked back. i am so, so, very happy for her because i know it was the best thing for her but, now, i sit in my office 3 days a week ~ alone; and it is very lonely. the best companions i have are facebook and pandora.

oh pandora ~ i have finally figured you out and why your name is what it is. pandora's box is actually what i am sure you were meant to be called ~ because opening you up i find all kinds of wonderful music to listen to ~ anything i want to hear you offer me. pandora's box because you are chock full of surprises, songs that i haven't heard in ages ~ or songs that i can hear anytime on any given radio station ~ you are that diverse. however, i think the real reason you are named pandora is not for what you have to offer me musically ~ it is more because listening to you the pandora's box in my mind starts opening up and going hundreds of places that i am sure i thought i had forgotten or places that i am sure that i shouldn't even go!! you open up the pandora's box that is my mind and that is definitely not, i repeat NOT, a good thing at all.

with my thoughts places where i am sure they shouldn't be ~ plus being alone in this damn office ~ it is a double whammy ~ and i am so screwed!!

when i plug in a channel that is "rob thomas" or "phil collins" or "james taylor" ~ it makes me remember this stupid dreamer that i am and it kills me. so, "change the station" you say ~ but, maybe (in a weird kind of "me" way ) i like dreaming those stupid things that come to mind, thinking of the impossible, fantasizing about things i know that will never be but that the mere thoughts of them make me so very happy!! yes, in some ways it helps me get through what is my reality !

i have to say, honestly, i am a very lucky and blessed person. i have three beautiful children who love me to pieces, a great husband who is a wonderful father, an all around good and decent person who puts up with a lot of shit from me (particulary in the past 3 years) and, for the most part, lets me have a life and understands that being married isn't going to be the "end all ~ be all" to my life. so, really, my reality is so much better than most people's realities are ~ but, and there is always a "but" isn't there and sometimes it is a HUGE "but" ~ there are times when i want more. selfish ~ ungrateful person that i am, it is true. and you, pandora, you make me remember that sometimes i do want more.

to quote my favorite 21st century philosopher, jimmy buffett, just say Someday I Will.

" i see a white sail skipping cross a blue bay and i say

someday i will

i see a young man strumming on a green guitar and i say someday i will

i don't have a plan, it's not that kind of thing ~

i'm not Martin Luther King

i don't have a dream, it's just sometimes i know ~ that's the way i'm supposed to go

so whatever thrills you ~ anything you love to do ~ just say someday i will

don't need to know who may help you make it come true ~ just say someday i will

you don't have to work it all out ~ you don't have to tear it all apart ~

all you need's a place to start

and if it never worked before, try it just once more ~ that's what your heart is for

whether it's big or small ~ if you have a passion at all ~ just say SOMEDAY I WILL ! :)

muffins ~ who would have thought???

this is me ~ yes, this is most likely the single best picture of me ever taken post wedding day photos. i use it for mostly everything that needs my picture ~ facebook, blog, twitter ~ because, of course, i want everyone to think i really look this way every day!!

i am very lucky in the fact that in 3 weeks i will be heading south with 3 friends of mine for a little girlfriend r & r. however, i am dealing with exactly what i will look like in a bathing suit next to the 3 of them ~ one who runs 5k's like they are nothing ~ another who you could never even tell has had 4 children ~ and the 3rd, well, let's just say she looks great in anything and probably doesn't really need to ever exercise but she does anyway. UGH!!!! and then there is me... you know that term "muffintop" ~ well i am that.

whoever came up with that term, i have to give them credit ~ because ~ well ~ it is really accurate!! all of this gooey muffin hanging out over the sides of the wrapper = squsishey body fat hanging over the top of low rise bluejeans. definitely accurate to me. i have definitely tried to watch myself, i mean i do NOT want to be wearing mid~drift shirts and have this muffin hanging out all over the place, well because i think it just looks ugly. and it amazes me how there are people out there who have a lot of muffin hanging out and they wear short tops and they just don't care that they have the muffin top look. me, i just can't do it ~ call it vanity or self consciousness or whatever, but i could never pull it off. the thing that completely amazes me is that they have to look in a mirror before they leave the house looking like that ~ and they are ok with what they see ~ it doesn't bother them in the least to have this huge muffin oozing out over the tops of their blue jeans. i guess that is what is the difference in my generation and the generation after me ~ they don't give a

flying f%#$ what john q. public thinks of them; which is where i get stuck every damn time. i could not go out in public because i would know that i look like a muffin and while muffins are yummy to eat and they smell wonderful baking ~ i don't want to look like one. it just isn't attractive to me ~ but to each his own i guess and they do say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder ! i just don't want my beholder to see a muffin when they look at me!! i think it is just sort of like saying "eat me"!! hahahhaha

yah, i do weigh as much now as i did when i was pregnant with my 3rd child, but i do have some dignity left when it comes to sauntering out in public. i am working on 8 lbs in the next 3 weeks, me and the girlfriend who has had the 4 children. she has her plan ~ i think she said chai and laxatives ~ i am sure that will work for her! i can't imagine her needing to lose 8lbs anyway ~ she is tall and gorgeous and most likely a size 6. me, i am thinking south beach diet bar diet. that is all i will eat; breakfast, lunch, and dinner. i think i can make that work for me ~ we'll see in 3 weeks how i am doing!!