what happens in heaven stays in heaven.....

i am sure that if people could listen to the random odd thoughts that i have they would think, "whoa ~ where does she come up with this stuff"? ~ i have to admit ~ i have an amazingly imaginative mind and can look at situations and bring something up that people would not have ever thought of.  it is this imagination that makes me believe in the impossible ~ makes me believe in something unexplainable ~ makes me believe in something so powerful that to question it makes no sense to me. 

i would say i am a deeply spiritual person, i am a christian, believe in god and jesus christ, the whole nine yards... but i would not necessarily say that i am "religious".  sure, there are things that i like to participate in that are related to religion, but i do not need a building or a pastor to have any sort of spirituality or to be considered a christian ~ it is all inside of me ~ and that is how i like it to be.  some people thrive on religiousity (is that a word? lol ! ) ~ they are all about being involved in their church and making sure that "church" is done the right way and that there are missions that the church engages in ~ all of these things are wonderful and i am glad that god designed some people to be this way ~ because that is certainly not me.  but, i know the need for those individuals and they are giving of their gifts in the way that they understand how to do so. 

because i am a spiritual person, i think about what is next ?  what is heaven? everyone has their own vision of what heaven is or will be like ~ who will be there ~ who they hope is not ~ what they will do when they get there ~ questions that they would like answers to ~ possibly seeing the "bigger" picture that, while here on earth, they couldn't see because they only knew their side and their piece of some huge picture puzzle of life.  i think about heaven and is it something different for each individual ~ does each person's own version of heaven become a reality in heaven or is it just something that we could never even imagine or invision so it isn't worth even trying because we could never even come close to knowing what it is like until we are there.  whatever heaven is ~ here is what a piece of my heaven would be:

 ~ the person who knows my heart and who sees me as i truly am will be there waiting for me....
 ~ the people i have loved most in this life, if they have passed away, will also be there ~ bringing me into their world ... and as they take me to wherever it is i am to go, in the background i hear voices, not singing or music (which if you know me is not what you might think i would be imagining ~ i love music, it is my life) ~ but hundreds of voices praying, some whispering, some loudly, all saying different things all at once, i cannot make sense of any of it ~ it just sounds like a bunch of people talking.  but, when i sit down to take it all in, i begin to be able to start making sense of what is being said.  and what is even more odd is that there are no people, just voices, like they are being piped in through some audio system ~ but that couldn't be possible because this is heaven ~ it is just the way it is!! as i listen and begin to hear exactly what these voices are saying, i realize they are talking about me ~ some happy, some sad, some mad.  as i listen i realize they are talking about events of my life, good, bad, ugly, happy ~ they know so many things about my life and my joys and sorrows and struggles and disappointments, and anything that i have ever prayed to god about i can hear.


 i ask the person with me, "what are those voices"? ~ and do you know what the beautiful, humbling answer to this question is?  as i am entering into heaven to be in a perfect place and in a perfect relationship with christ the voices, the prayers, of all of the people who ever prayed for me or praised god for me are what i can hear ~ humbled by the fact that even when i had no idea that someone had been praying for me they had been and now i am made aware.  and now, these voices become the most beautiful noise i have ever heard ~ then, it makes me better understand, how in the pits of life that i happened to find myself in occassionally, how i made it through those times, when my faith seemed nonexistent and i wondered how i would make it through the day ~ or did not know what i had to live for ~ the prayers that those voices were praying were keeping me afloat ~ carrying me through those darkest times when i didn't know how to find it in me to go on, those prayers were what was pushing me into the next day and the next and the next   ~

whether this is what my heaven will be like, or not, is yet to be experienced ~ but i can tell you one thing ~ when i think of prayer with this perspective ~ i am much more specific, i am much more deliberate, i am much more fully engaged into whatever that prayer might be ~ because maybe, just maybe, someday it will help push someone into the next day, and the next when they are in desperate need of faith, hope, and love ~

you never know, it could really happen.....


 

what to say, what to say....

i have been so crazy busy that i don't have time to even jot down some of the thoughts that have been occupying my mind lately.  the good new is ~ i am 1 week away from being finished with course #5 in my master's program ~ only 4 more to go after this !  I will be on the downhill side of earning my degree and i cannot express how incredibly excited i am about beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel!! yeah me!! i am hoping that in fall 2012 i will have a different position with another university and then i can focus on finding my place in the world of academia ~ hey, there has to be a goal and right now the broader the better!

you know what i have been thinking lately ~ that i am not the mom that i thought i would be.  when you are younger and you dream about marriage and becoming a mom there are certain things that you think that you know you will do ~ well, i know that i want to do those things but i also know that there have to be financial resources in order to do a lot of those things and i guess i have chosen a path in life that allows me more time with my kids ~ but less of an income. yes, that is the conscious choice i made but in some ways i am just now starting to give up those dreams ~ the dreams of having my children's pictures taken professionally every year ~ individuals and together the 3 of them ~ the dream of having their rooms look like a page out of pottery barn kids ~ the dream of taking wonderful vacations with them every year to places that are so different than where we live ~ the dream of helping them make all of their wishes come true. 

my sister always asks what we want for christmas ~ and typically i give a standard answer that is words to a song i love ~ i always tell her that i want, " no more lives torn apart, that wars would never start, and time would heal all hearts.  everyone would have a friend, and right would always win, and love would never end... this is my grown up christmas list."  (amy grant)  ~ this year my sister pre-empted her email about christmas by saying ~ "i can't give you world peace or the love of a lifetime or a million dollars or all the happiness in the world ~ so besides those things what do you want for christmas? ;)  so, i shot a different answer to her this year ~ i still have the same grown up christmas list that i have always had, but now i have some other dreams that i would love to have come true ~ i told her that i wanted my oldest son to make the basketball team this year, for my younger son to earn his first blue ribbon this year in swimming ~ for my daughter not to think that she has to put makeup on to make herself look pretty ... although she is only copying what her mother does ~ to forgive a friend who betrayed my trust and hurt me deeply in the process ~ to find my faith again and believe like a child that there is a god who knows me...

well, needless to say, my sister was ticked off at me because i didn't give her anything real ! lol !!

anyway ~ my thoughts are starting to ramble and i am obviously getting tired ~ i am operating on maybe four hours of sleep so it is time for me crash.... good night !



wrong time, wrong place....

i have been studying all day ~ well, since 2:00 and it is now 9:00 so at least for 7 hours.  my brain is mush.  as i was studying i was watching a special on pbs about a music group from the 60's and 70's and i realized how much i wish i would have been the age i am now back then. don't ask me why ~ i just think i would have been better back then, more free to be who i am ~ maybe not, but i like the dream of how it sounds!

free to be who i am... does not happen that often.  recently a friend of mine moved to pennsylvania and as i was hugging her good-bye tears started to roll down my face ~ not so much that she was leaving, but more because i have to stay.  i am sure that i have mentioned it before, but i live in the same town that i grew up in and i really do not like it.  i feel like people look at me like i am still that little girl that they knew as a i was growing up ~ that in their minds i have never become the person that i am ~ i am still john's daughter.  all i could think of was how lucky my friend was to be moving somewhere where no one knew her, she could reinvent herself if she wanted to, no one would ever know.  i feel most at home when i am not in my hometown.  i love the idea of walking down the streets of chicago or saugatuck or bloomington and NO ONE recognizing me.  i think i am so tired of having to be someone's daughter or wife or mother that i love to be where i am anonymous.  sometimes anonymous is my favorite thing to be!  when i am anonymous i can breathe ~ like a huge weight is lifted off of my chest.  no one expects anything from me ~ no one wants anything from me ~ it is a feeling of freedom that i do not experience that often and i cherish every second of it and try to make it last as long as i possibly can.

i guess i will continue to find those pockets of time when i can be me ~ the me i know myself to be ~ not the one everyone expects me to be because i am someone's wife, mother or daughter.  i love the me i know i am supposed to be ~ i just don't have time because i am always known as somone else...

time to go back to being a student...

on the other end....

today was one of those days... when i just wanted to call someone to hear a voice on the other end of the phone say, "how are you?" ~ and even though my answer would have been silence and inaudible tears, at least someone would have been on the other end who knew they didn't need to give me any answers or pep talks or earth shattering advice ~ they would already know that just being on the other end was all i needed.

somedays you just need to call someone and say ~ " i am having a bad day, week, year, life "  ~ whatever fits ~ and to just be there while you cry on the other end.  how lucky to have someone who understands that silence on the other end is ok ~ someone who knows that you just need to hear their voice for some sort of reassurrance that life will be ok, that you will find your way through whatever it is that you are going through ~ that just the sound of their voice and knowing they care will help you get through another hour, day, week. 

i hope you have someone on the other end because not having someone who understands silence and inaudible tears is a place where no one should ever have to find themselves....

strangers....

i really don't even know how to carry on a conversation with my dad anymore ~ it is like we are strangers.  he has his life, i have my life, and rarely do they intersect one another.  he is busy busy busy with his boys which, over the past 15 years has left very little time for him to have time for his daughters.  maybe it is how parent / child relationships go ~ but i guess i always thought that no matter what age i was i would need a dad ~ we live in the same town and i can go weeks without speaking to him. 

i guess like i have said before ~ life is not what i ever would have imagined it was going to be ~ this was not what i was dreaming of at all....

one of my favorite quotes ~ ever....

we are so different.....

if i weren't at home with my kids today for my day off i would be at lake michigan watching the water and trying to figure life out ~ i know i would not come up with any answers, but maybe i would feel better afterwards.  i would also blog the day away ~ i have so many thoughts i want to blog out ~ like why is it that i am never in the right place at the right time for that one amazing thing to happen to me like it seems to for a lot of people ~ or, why i feel like such a stranger in my own home town where i have grown up and lived most of my life ~ why i would never imagine going to a demolition derby at the 4H fair (which i am sure is part of the reason why i feel like a stranger ) ~ why people who have hurt you can't just apologize and admit they were wrong and hurting you was never their intention ~ and on and on and on..... perhaps someday i will have free time to further delve into these ideas, until then they will be on my list of "blogs to do". 

like i said, today i feel do-less ~ my kids are watching miss spider's sunnypatch kids, i just paid the first payment on my brand new 2011 honda odyssey van, which reminds me why i will be so glad when my kids go back to school because between my payment and summer childcare i have abolutely no money ~ and my mind is in 2 other places ~ like it is most of the time ~ with a certain person and in a certain beach town in michigan.  i am an avid harry potter fan and it is on days like today that i would love for magic to be real so that i could apparate out of this life and into the one where i want to be. 

this week a friend of mine told me how stressed out and overwhelmed life was making her ~ she was so stressed out ~ but as she told me her issues all i kept thinking was "i would take your stress anyday over mine" ~ and it made me think of my friends and what is happening in their lives and how although we are all stressed out  ~ our stress comes from completely different issues ~ and the realization that my life stresses would not be stress to someone else, and theirs  may not be stressful to me.  i have a friend who is going through a lawsuit that has been pending for 2 1/2 years while medical bills are adding up and her husband hates his job but doesn't want to look for something else because he has the insurance and because of the accident there are medical issues and until they can come up with a settlement from the trucking company whose driver caused the accident he has to keep their medical insurance ~ yes that is stressful ~ maybe i could handle that.

i have friends with stress because of their jobs, stress because they would love to have more children but can't, stress because their spouses have gotten laid off and how are they going to pay their bills, stress because they are wanting to change jobs but their medical situation is such that no insurance company would probably touch them to insure them if they left their current job, stress because children are making poor life choices and hanging out with people they shouldn't be, stress because their oldest son is heading off to college in a month leaving a huge void in their life and all the additional stress that brings to life, a friend who is trying to sell their house because she left her job and cut their income by 2/3 and their house won't sell,  LOTS  OF  ISSUES..... but some i would probably give my right arm for in order to get rid of mine !  i get hung up in this hamster wheel of sorts where i say ~ my issues are so inconsequential compared to those of my friends ~ my issues are so selfish compared to theirs.  so i try for as long as i can to stuff mine and bury them and hope i ignore them enough that i forget they are even there, but because i am a hamster running a wheel, eventually they keep coming back to the forefront, and i push and stuff them again, and then they come around again... you get the picture!! 

i hope that someday ( which i have realized over the past few years that i keep saying someday  ~ i need to come to the realization that there is no such day as someday ! ~ but i suppose that is the dreamer in me) ... i hope that eventually i will acknowledge that even though my issues are not what others are facing, they are real in my life and maybe they do deal with love and marriage and hope, but they are real to me and my life ~ they are my issues.

recently a friend of mine unloaded on me all of her junk ~ some things that i had experienced before and others that i hadn't so at least i could listen and help in the best way that i could ~ in the end i told her ~ do you know why your issues are so different from my issues?  because if we all walked around with the same garbage we wouldn't be able to help each other because we would all be so down in the pit over the same thing that no one would know how to help each other.  it is easy for me to help her when her issues aren't mine ~ i am glad to help her to get my mind off of my garbage for awhile. 

we are all so different ... maybe that is the best thing that we have in common!!

my thoughts for the day....

growing up is difficult ~ even now...

had someone told me that life would be so difficult i would have said ~ "then don't send me" ~

since i was a little girl there have been 2 things i have always wanted in life ~ to love someone, wholly and completely with all of who i really am,  and to be loved wholly and completely for all of who i really am ~ i guess that i always thought that would come through my relationship with a partner of some sort ~ a husband or a male significant other ~ i guess i am learning that it does not come from that type of relationship.   it comes  more from parents and friends and children.... but then, with that,  why does there remain this empty place that isn't filled ~ that i think can be filled with that type of love.  something that makes you desire to share every stupid, awful, funny, unhappy, hurtful, tragic, fabulous piece of life with that person ~ who you cannot imagine going through life without.  maybe that is what a best friend is about ~ to share all of those things with because they "get" you like no one else does.  i had always wanted that person to be my spouse, for my spouse to be my best friend.  maybe, as someone used to tell me, "cindy, you have your head in the clouds."  maybe that is true ~ but i am a dreamer and a believer in something called love and i know me ~ if i don't have love ~ i have nothing.... i am a noisy gong, a clanging symbol....

not long ago i was at a retreat with some friends and i was asked "what makes you happy?" ~ i didn't know what to say, because i wasn't sure anymore what made me happy because i haven't felt "happy" for awhile... my friend who asked the question answered it for me... she said, " you are happy when you are loving people".... which was so true that hearing the words brought the sting of tears to my eyes and sent them streaming down my face.   i am happiest when i am loving people ~ i wish i got paid to love on people because i would be happy to give and give and give it all away ~ which made me wonder why that would make me so happy...

i am guessing that i want to love people the way i want to be loved ~ so i do things for people that i would love to have people do for me ~ i think like not many people i know ~ i know i am not normal ~ empathy and compassion are my two greatest strengths ~ i have taken dozens of profile tests that support this.  i am so off the charts sometimes but i love "extravagant love".....  i guess that if you are someone i have chosen to let my guard down with, you know this person i am talking about ~ she is happiest in those moments when she is making other people happy ~ loving them.    sometimes, though, i wish for that emptiness to be filled up on a more permanent basis, not just a little here and there.   i guess that is what i am trying to live with ~ that there is no substitute for; not food, or shopping, or exercise, or music, or make up, or books, or anything else that really takes the place in your heart the way love does.......

quote for the day....

"If you're going to be passionate about something, be passionate about learning.   
    If you're going to fight something, fight for those in need.  
If you're going to question something, question authority.  
    If you're going to lose something, lose your inhibitions.  
If you're going to gain something, gain respect and confidence.  
    And if you're going to hate something, hate the false idea that you are not capable of your dreams."   daniel golston

lifesong....

to megan ~ carrie ~ karen :

i think that this is just where i am right now...

hoping soon i will feel like home here...

missing all of you !! xoxoxox

time...

time. there are days i wish i had more of it to do so many more things than i am currently doing.  there are days when i wish time could stand still and i could live in the moment forever.  there are days when i wish i could go back in time to do some things differently ~ or forward in time to see what the future holds for me.  right now, i wish i had time to blog more; i miss it.  i wish i could read more blogs; i miss that too.  i feel so out of touch with things when i can't keep up with what is going on in the blogosphere. 

i have a research paper due on thursday, it is so boring and analytical ~ it is about negotiating and what you do in order to create a win-win situation for all parties involved.  i love my classes, don't get me wrong, but ugh...... reading my homework puts me to sleep most of the time!

i was trying to do a quote of the day before my masters degree so rudely interrupted my social life.  here is one that i will post for today: 

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
— C.S. Lewis"

this is certainly me.  really, only time will tell.....

 



quote for today.....

my quote for the day comes from a song that i love.  it is from an artist whose name is mandisa ~ she is a contemporary christian singer and i used to listen to nothing but contemporary christian music  ~ lately, not so much.  however, i do believe these words to be true.  no matter who we are, how strong we portray ourselves to be, how "perfect" we want the world to think our lives are.... most of the time, they are not.  i can only speak for myself in this regard, but i know that there is something that i feel like i am "looking" for out there ~ everyone has their own interpretation of what that "something" is ~ and what it is for me isn't what it is for anyone else.  it is that secret wish or dream that you carry around with you, since the time you were little most likely, that you have never told anyone before ~ and maybe never will.

anyway..... this song, to me, sort of reminds me that in some respects we are all the same... no matter who we are... we are searching for that "something" that only we know will fill us up ~

here's hoping that we all find it someday....



" ... you and i, we're not that different,

we've got a void and we're just trying to fill it up

with something that will give just a little peace.

all we want is a hand to reach to,  

open arms that say "i love you",

we'd give anything to hear

the voice of a Savior...."

something different than the typical post....

i am going to start posting a "quote of the day"

i love words... i love lyrics... i love quotes ~ in fact ~ i think i love them too much because, since i live with my head in the clouds most of the time, i actually believe them to be true!  i would love them to be true ! they are words that i know that i truly want to believe in ~ but sometimes ~ it isn't reality; i know that i know that it isn't reality, but i don't always want to accept that it isn't !!

sooooo, here is installment #1 of  "cindy's favorite quotes"...... enjoy!!



true true true.... :)

question # 8 ~

so, i know i haven't been around for awhile ~ i started my masters degree online and it has taken some getting used to and i don't have nearly the spare time that i used to have.  i miss writing on my blog so since today was a "snow day" ~ because we supposedly had a blizzard ~  (ha ~ *rolls eyes*) i have some down time between yelling at my children and doing laundry to jump on here and vent ~ or write ~ or a little of both!

question # 8 in the 30 Truths About Me is : 

who is someone who has made your life difficult ~ or a living hell?

this is a very interesting question because, i can honestly say, that i don't know that there is anyone in my life who has made it "hell" ~ i guess i typically don't let most people get to me, and most of the time anyone negative that i find myself involved with i don't hang out with for long because they completely drain my energy.    i am sure that i could list a few people who i have struggled with in life, but i don't think i have let anyone make my life hell because it isn't worth it to me.  they aren't worth it to me, i guess. 

let me preface this by saying, most of the time ~ except for the past couple of years ~ most of the time i am super positive, fun, living life and taking what comes, dealing with it, and moving on.  rarely do things have a super hold on me so tightly that i cannot get past them.  as you may have noticed, i prefaced this by saying "except the past couple of years" ~ something did happen and it has changed the way i look at life and it has certainly had an impact on me that i cannot explain completely.  but, someday i hope that it will make sense to me and i will come to some type of acceptance of the whole thing and i will be able to truly say "it is well with my soul".

honestly ~ people do not make my life hell ~ unless they are coworkers, then maybe that is true!  :) **wink**   i am more of the opinion that circumstances can make your life hell ~ depending upon how you handle them and how you choose to deal with it.  i certainly have had circumstances throughout my life that have been significant enough to make my life hell, and unfortunately, i probably haven't had the last of those.  even though they make my life hell, i am hoping that they make me a stronger person, a better person, and someone who realizes how important life is and how i don't want to waste a single day that i have been given being bitter or resentful.  not saying that i don't have a long way to go to get past some bitterness  ~ hey, what can i say ~ i am only human! :P 

back from a short hiatus.... :)

ok, here i go with this 30 truths about me... had to take some time off after that last question ~ too depressing!!

day #7 ~ the question is: 

someone who has made your life worth living?

gosh, could the question be more specific????  i mean, i have people in all aspects of my life who make it worth living ~ for all kinds of different reasons.

there is the hula girl ~ who, although we live in the same town ~ we don't see or communicate with each other much but we totally understand each other in some goofy way that only makes sense to us.  sometimes, if it weren't for her and her head in the clouds way of living and loving life,  i would think there was something wrong with me.  she makes me know that i am normal... whatever the hell normal really is.  she brings bits of happiness and sunshine to my life that i do not know what i would do without.  it can get really dark for me sometimes and she will pop in from nowhere and make things better ~ and she probably doesn't even know it !   thank you hula girl..... you make my life worth living.

then there is the girl friend i tell everything to  ~ she makes me want to believe in the impossible.  she has had junk,  i mean a lot of junk in the past year ~ crazy stuff ~ and whatever it is that she holds onto to get  through it ~ it works!!  i wish i had what she has... she knows more about me than i would say anyone ~ and she still loves me and accepts me and sees in my life what i do not see.  she has been this rock for me for about 7 months and however it was that she ended up in front of me ~ whoever placed her there ~ i could never thank them enough.  she is my angel ~ my wild and crazy and amazingly strong angel ~ she makes me want to stick with it ~ because there has to be something better out there than what i know i am seeing ~ and she is trying to get me there and help me see it !     you make my life worth living   xoxoxoxo

my sisters ~ definitely make my life worth living... we have gone through a lot of the same life experiences and they have shaped us to be who we are today, for better or worse.  the three of us are so different in so many ways, but so similar as well.  we have been taught to overcome our hurts and struggles ~ but they are still there, deep within us, and between the three of us we know what triggers the tears and the laughter ~ what we know we have lost in life, but also what we have gained through those losses.  none of us have had it easy ~ we have each struggled with our own deep emotional hurts ~ but family ties you with binds that are stronger than steel and we love each other through all of our junk.... they make my life worth living.

my children ~ gosh, how God ever thought i could be responsible enough for three beautiful souls to take care of i have absolutely no clue.  i can't take care of myself, how am i ever going to take care of them?  in the still of the morning or late at night ~ i will sit by their beds and stare at them and think "what am i doing as a mom?  please don't let me ruin their lives".  like someone is really listening to me in the great out there.  my kids, i would die for them to make them happy.  my heart breaks for them knowing the heartaches they will endure in their lives in the future... am i raising them to be able to handle the hurt they will encounter, the disappointments that no doubt happen in life.  if i could give them the world i would... i also just hope they know that i am doing the best i can, and i know it isn't good enough, but sometimes it is all i have to give.  when life gets to be too much for me.... they are my reason for living ~ they make my life worth living.

as i look at this, i believe had i tried to answer this question a year ago my answer would be very different.  as much as i hate to accept it, but have to,  people come and go in our lives... even when you don't want them to go, they do.  sometimes i tell myself that i am not going to let people near me ~ emotionally ~ because i am not good at letting go... in fact, it is wore than death for me!!  at least sometimes, death makes sense.  when people leave your life for no reason that i can understand, it is heartwrenching for me because i get so wrapped up in sharing my life with other people ~ relationships keep me going ~ they are part of what i live for ~ they make my life worth living.  take that piece or that person away ~ and sometimes i wonder, how do i go on without that person to share my life with.  and it hurts, a lot.  maybe slowly, over time, the hurt goes away, but sometimes, i wish i could erase the memories of those people who are gone as well, because i would rather live like they had never existed than to remember the good times that are no more.  maybe that is why i have these people, who i have mentioned, in my life now ~ to make new memories for me, to help me forget the people i have lost and to fill those holes in my heart that i have from their absence.

we'll see ~ i know i love them all ~ they do make my life worth living........  

ahh, an easy question....

the question for the day is this:

what do you hope you never have to do?

i hope that i will never have to bury one of my children before i die....

hope for the future...

day 5 ~ question #5:

something you hope to do someday?

had this question been asked to me five years ago my answer would be so completely different than it will be now ~ but i am sure that five years before that it would have been so completely different from what it was five years ago.

something i hope to do someday... here goes:

• i hope to have answers to questions that haunt me on a daily basis ~ or if not answers, i hope to get to the point where these questions don't bother me anymore

• i hope to have contentment ~ to be happy where i am, with what i have been given, and not feel that subtle urge to wonder if there can be more

• i hope to have courage to make changes in my life that i am afraid to make but know that i should

• i hope to have fulfillment from a relationship ~ a career ~ my children's lives

• i hope to walk down the beach, at sunset, with the man who i know i could not live without

• i hope to find my passion for life

• i hope to see my children happy ~ strong ~ compassionate ~ loving ~giving ~ loving life

• i hope to have peace and calm inside of myself when things in the world around me are in a constant state of chaos

• i hope to listen and hear what is being said without questioning

• i hope to no longer regret, but to come to acceptance of things that i can not change and of things that i have no control over

• i hope to tell all my friends how much i have loved them in my life

• i hope that i do not wait until my parents are dying to let them know how thankful i am for all the things that they have given me or taught me in life ~ and for doing the best they could when they knew our world was falling apart

• i hope to become someone i like again

• i hope that i am forgiven by those i have hurt, both knowingly and unknowingly ~ and i hope that i can forgive those who have hurt me

i hope to find God again ~ i hope to trust God again.....

easier said than done....

day # 4 ~ question:

who do you need to forgive?

john

paul

like i said... easier said than done.... sorry, this has to stay between them and me.

the truth can be a very scary thing ....

here it is, day 3 of the 30 days of truths about me. this question for day 3 is a doozie ... now, the question becomes ~ how truthful am i going to be out here for everyone to read. sure there are people who read this who know me, or think they know me, but when it comes to a question about what i need to forgive myself for... maybe that becomes way too personal and the things that deep down i need to forgive myself for are really only those things that i should keep between me and, God, if there really is a God out there who knows me.

here goes: question #3 ~

what is something that you need to forgive yourself for?

maybe i am being way too serious and deep with these questions ~ maybe i should just go with the first answer that pops into my head ~ like i need to forgive myself for never losing those extra 20 pounds after having my last baby ~ or i need to forgive myself for not going right onto grad school after undergrad ~ or i need to forgive myself for choosing to work instead of staying home with my children ~ or forgive myself for, well, you get the picture. just sitting here thinking about what i need to forgive myself for i can list probably 20 things right off the top of my head that obviously chip away at me in some way, every day.

but, if this is about soul searching ~ and thinking, when it comes right down to it, what is the biggie (or one of the biggie's) that i need to forgive myself for ~ i would say that i need to forgive myself for choosing to stay in my hometown and get married instead of moving away and trying to make a life for myself, out there somewhere, where i think i would be much happier. the choice to stay here and get married ~ yah ~ i made that choice, but it is most likely the one choice in my life that i have made that, admittedly, the older i get, the more i regret. yes, that choice brought me 3 wonderful, beautiful, smart, creative, and talented children ~ and it allowed me to be close to my family (we all still live in the same town which is sort of unheard of in today's world ) and i do have a nice, comfortable, pretty much stress free existence ~ but in so many ways my life is not what i ever expected or envisioned it to be ~ i am not where i ever wanted to be ~ and i am not doing what i thought i would be doing. hmmmm, see what i mean when i say the truth can be a very scary thing.

you know the movie IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE where george bailey, aka jimmy stewart, asks the angel for help because he thinks that his life is worthless and that he has nothing to live for and he wishes that he would have never been born basically? and then the angel shows him what life would be like in bedford falls if he would have never been alive? well, sometimes, i think if i had 3 wishes (yes, i think in that way and wonder if that could ever happen! ), one of them would be used asking for a glimpse of what my life would have been like had i made a different choice 20 years ago and took a different path in life than the one i chose to take. where would i be living? would i be married? would i have the career that i had always wanted to have? would i even have had children? what would i be like? would i still be this person i am with the same values and beliefs and compassion that i have? what would life here, in my hometown, be like had i never lived here after college?

yes, i would like to see what life would be like had that 1 choice been made differently ~ where would i be now? and, truthfully, that is what i need to forgive myself for... for actually thinking that ~ and wondering ~ and in some ways, mourning the life that i never really had that i thought i wanted. i need to forgive myself for thinking those things ~ because it is human nature ~ and if i have learned anything about anything in the past 4 years it is that human nature can be a very crazy thing to handle at times.

so, since i can't just give back this life i have ~ i have come to realize that i need to try to mesh them together ~ the life i have with the life that i wanted to have. i am working on it and trying to find the way to have some of the best of what both worlds might have to offer ! :)

day # 2... i am on a roll ! :)

so, truth # 2 about me ~ the question is:

what do you love about yourself???

i sort of thought that this would be difficult for me to answer seeing as there is so much about myself that i do not like ~ certainly if i dig down deep enough there should be something that i DO like about myself. i knew the question, and pondered it for awhile, jumped on facebook to see what was going on with all of those friends of mine ~ and then it dawned on me **epiphany** ~ the thing that i know that i do love about myself.... I LOVE THAT I HAVE FABULOUS FRIENDS... :)

ok, so i am forty ~ something ~ and i have to say that i have always (and i know always seems unrealistic but i think it is true) ~ always been surrounded by wonderful friends. i honestly can say that i do not know what i would do without them ~ they make up my world and, i am guessing, love me for who i am and don't ask questions for things i do that they don't understand. they just accept me where i am ~ which is a lot in today's world because i think, for the most part, we all have tons of junk but they choose to look past the junk and see me for who i am ~ and love me just the same.

there is something to be said for those people who come into your life who you know have been sent for a reason. the friends you laugh with, the friends you drink margaritas with, the friends you cry with, the friend you ask "do these jeans make my butt look big" and you know even if your butt does look big they will always lie to you and say "no". the friends you tell all of your deepest dreams to, the friends you share all the awful secrets of your life with, the friends you text just to say "i love you in my life" ~ because they give you courage, they give you hope, they give you sanity when you think you are totally losing it.

i love the people i have surrounded myself with ~ each of them equally but for very different reasons. they are beautiful, wonderful, amazing, strong, courageous, intelligent, creative, talented, fun, caring, loving, compassionate, spiritual women. my friends are the one piece of concrete evidence that i cling to that tells me that God is taking care of me. (which if you knew where i really stood with God right now you would know that just my saying that is HUGE). they each have a special place in my life and although i am sure that i do not tell them enough ~ i love them and i love that they are on this crazy roller coaster ride of life with me ! there are a few that i wish i had on a more regular, day to day basis, but they are not far from my thoughts.

yep, if i had to choose something that i love about myself ~ it would be those people who are my friends... i could not do life without you!!! :)

30 truths about me...

i haven't been on to blog for awhile ~ the holidays and such (read "my inlaws") consumed my time and energy and i am hoping to get back to some sort of regular blog mode again. i have always been hit or miss anyway so, we'll see how i do in 2011 ~ **huge gulp** ~ i can't believe we are into 2011. wow, where does the time go????

i am going to do this blog thing that i have seen others do. one of my sweet friends gave it her own little twist ~ which was very creative; she is just that way ~ but, me being somone who doesn't quite know what to blog at times, will do this the long, drawn out way because it gives me 30 topics to blog ~ while i keep track of other things to blog as i go along.

30 truths about me.... well .... here goes:

1.) what i hate about myself

i laughed as i read down the list of what the 30 questions were because, i thought, wow ~ the first thing they want you to put out there is "what you hate about yourself"... nothing like jumping right into the thick of things :)

as i read the question it seems like i should only be giving one answer ~ well, i am sorry to tell you that i could probably go on for quite some time about the things i hate about myself.

where to begin ... i hate middle age and all the crap it brings. not just physical changes, but emotional changes and realizations as well. technically, i am barely middle aged ~ and they (whoever "they" are) say that 40 is the new 30 so, really i am not middle aged ~ i am in my prime!
what i find about middle age is this: the physical changes suck ~they include gaining weight, the puffiness under the eyes, wrinkles around the eye area, my lips are actually getting thinner ( it must be a loss of collegen or something because i have NEVER had thin lips), sagging of all things that never used to sag with no way to firm them up to keep them from sagging. hair issues ~ not just the beginnings of noticeably gray hair, but thinning and brittleness and ugh ~ things that i have never had to deal with before. i used to have tons and tons of naturally curly hair ~ now it doesn't even remember that it is curly anymore ~ and it isn't VOLUPTUOUS ( as one of my college roomies told me one time) it is sort of a disaster area and i never worried about my hair ever like i do now.
middle age makes you stop and take stock of where you are in life ~ what have you accomplished ~ are you where you want to be ~ do you still have goals that you want to achieve. i am sure that it isn't bad when you are comfortable with the way your life has played out ~ but if you are at a place where you don't feel like you should be and you don't have any future goals for your life ~ that stinks because you look at your life and say, "what happened, how did i get here, this was not where i was planning on being at this time in my life."

plus, all my girlfriends are younger than i am ~ i hate being the old one in the bunch.

so, i guess that is it, that is what i hate about myself. it is the fact that i am getting old.