i read a blog called "momastery" ~ i love it, i love her words, i love her heart, i love the way she says what i feel in my heart and soul as a mom, a woman, a wife, a person who walks through this life trying to figure it out one day at a time.  i have always thought that i could articulate what i was thinking or feeling, fairly well through writing, much more so than through spoken words.  but, if i can articulate well, she is a master of the written word.  i believe it comes from being in touch with your feelings and not being embarrassed or ashamed to say what is in your heart; right or wrong it is how you feel ~ none of us is perfect and we try so hard, day in and day out, to project to the world that life is good, that we have control over our issues, that we are not walking with all of our human baggage trying to figure out what our significance in this life really is. 

today is december 26 ~ the day after christmas ~ and i cannot tell you how glad i was to see christmas come and go this year, actually, over the past several years.  i am so tired of the commercialism and materialism attached to christmas, it losses it's meaning for me the closer it gets to the actual day of christmas.  i would be satisfied with no tree, no gifts, and a quiet, candlelit, midnight mass or service to remember what the day actually is about.  the birth of Jesus Christ ~ the savior of the world.  i went to bed last night crying, worrying that i am failing as a parent because as much as i try to remind my children the reason for christmas i know that i am not doing enough.  i get caught up in the gift giving; wanting my children to have exactly what they want, what is on their santa list.  i want them to have happiness, but i am worried that i, now,  have become one of those parents who is teaching their children that happiness comes in a box from a store ~ and not teaching them that it comes from your heart, to one another, through acts of kindness and selflessness.  i need to work on changing this, and i think this every year.  i need to work on reinforcing that happiness is something that we share together as a family ~ that it does not come from a store.  that giving and not expecting something in return is the best gift that can be given.  that Jesus is the reason we celebrate and for no other reason ~ because without Him, there is no life. 
i was texting my cousin today and complaining about the commercialism of christmas.  she said she had the same conversation with her priest and he reminded her that the secular world celebrates christmas on the 25th, but as christians we know that christmas is not a day, it is a season, celebrated for many weeks and we have to hold onto that truth. 

celebrate the season that is christmas and remember the true reason for this wonderful celebration ~ that we are saved, through grace, by a God who loves us so unimaginably that He sent His son to be the Savior of the World; because He knew we couldn't do it ~ we are only human.

Five for Fighting - "Chances" (Acoustic)

 every time i hear this song it makes me wish i had a convertible and was heading to the keys with the top down ~ never looking back....

of course, it will never happen, but it is a dream i let live in my mind every now and then....

beautiful mess....

is there really such a thing as a "beautiful mess"?  i used to think i was a beautiful mess, that my life was such a mixed up bag of bits and pieces of who i am, or who i used to be, parts of life that have made me who i am today.  but, now i think there is no such thing as a beautiful mess ~ only an ugly mess that will never become more than what it is now ~ and what it is now is just "messy" ~

one of my favorite songs of all time is "better than a hallelujah" ~ by amy grant.  the words go somethiing like this:

God loves a lullaby in a mother's tears in dead of night ~ better than a hallelujah sometimes....
we pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody ~ beautiful the mess we are ~ the honest cries of breaking hearts ~ are better than a hallelujah.

so, from this song i have really identified how important it is to not only be praising of God and thankful to God for the things in life ~ but i also was finally able to identify that God wants to hear our miseries ~ where we turn to Him with all of those circumstances that are painful and seem insurmountable, and impossible to get through because we are limited human beings.  that our cries, are better than our hallelujahs of joy ~ that our cries are even more melodical and sweet and precious to God than our shouts of hallelujahs. 

i would say for probably the past 3 years i have poured out my miseries ~ and my hallelujahs ~ but i am still that messy mess ~ still searching for clarity and peace in my heart and soul ~ certainly nothing beautiful that is for sure... just messy.  maybe, one day, i will recognize what a "beautiful" mess i was and see how i am no longer so messy, but i no longer believe the impossible to be possible, even with God... some things come through life and change you, change your core beliefs about people and life and maybe, i am seeing with clarity now and i just do not like it, because it has limits and it is messy and ugly ~ whereas before i only saw the positives, the beauty, the wonder, the limitless possibilities that life brings with it ~ never thinking that would ever be taken away from me, thinking that was so engrained in who i am that nothing could ever take it away from me.  i have had lots of crap in my life and nothing has changed me like this, i always was able to see towards the future and know it would be ok ~ to find peace and joy in looking towards the future and the possibilities ~ yes, i was a huge dreamer with my head in the clouds.  not anymore.... and it is killing me.... i barely look past today to tomorrow, let alone into the years of the future... what is the point when you make choices that bind you to where you are because it is the right thing to do. 

nope, no longer a life that is a "beautiful mess" ~ just messy, and ugly, and dreamless....

what's new?...

what's new ~ everything, nothing ~ some of both.

finished teaching classes for the semester so i am happy that i have some "extra" time to just hang out.  18 more weeks of master's classes and then i will be a graduate!  very very happy about that !   hoping it helps me find a position that will i can be happy with for awhile.  maybe then i can figure out the rest of my life when i can make my own living and not have to rely on someone else's income.  i am thinking i would like to move ~ i will be looking for positions all over, so i am hopeful that i find something that will take me away from here ~ even if it is only a couple of hours away.  actually, if i could find something along lake michigan i would be thrilled, particularly if i was able to have summers off!!!

i am ready to head to the city again ~ thinking that i need to head to chicago in march ~ ready for some girl time or alone tme ~ i would be happy with either.

wish i had something more exciting to say ~ i guess i am just tired and ready for bed but wanted to jump on since i hadn't for awhile ~

good night!!

John 3:16