what a "gleeful" world !!

"i was born in a small town, and i live in a small town, probably die in a small town, oh that's probably where they'll bury me."

and thank you john mellancamp for these wonderful but very depressing lyrics!!

yes, one of my very FAVORITE tv shows is "glee" and if i could live my life breaking out into song for certain situations in my life ~ you betcha ~ i totally would ! i think i will just sort of blog that way and revert to song lyrics when the mood strikes me to further illustrate exactly what i am trying to express!! if there were a song i would be singing right now it would be "small town" by mellancamp. yes, i live in a small town, i have lived in this same small town for the majority of my life ~ and i hate it.

let me tell you about my small town. today was the big high school homecoming football game and every year they have a parade through the middle of town with the football team and floats and homecoming queen candidates riding atop convertibles like pageant contestants ~ yah ~ cheesey ~ you honestly would have to see it to believe it! i just happened to be out doing some serious errand running about the time i heard it ~ the fire engine sirens signalling that the parade was starting to come through downtown. yes, you read it correctly, i did say fire engine sirens ~ it's like i told you ~ it is a huge deal in my "small town".

as i was trying to finish up what i needed to get accomplished there was something like this magnetic pull drawing me to the parade to see just how insane the whole entire thing was. as hard as i tried to fight it i couldn't resist walking away from my car and to the side of the street so that i could see for myself the homecoming festivities. and there they were, the mighty football players on their float behind the fire truck ~ then the truck carrying the high school principal and his cute little wife and their adorable children ~ then the band playing the school fight song that i will not admit that i think i still know the words to. the football players were on not only 1 float ~ but 2 floats solely dedicated to them. the first float for SENIORS ONLY ~ the stars of the team, playing their final homecoming game of their high school careers ~ the second float carrying the remainder of the team and coaches. after the football players were, as i imagined, the homecoming queen candidates perched atop the convertibles in their strapless evening gowns waving to the crowd like any good pageant contestant is taught how to do. next were the cheerleaders ~ who were certainly not very cheerful ~ they were SITTING on the float and i heard more noise from the football players on their float than i did from those so called cheerleaders. next were a few more lesser significant teams from the school like boys and girls soccer and then a couple of school clubs with floats then the class floats ~ one for each grade; freshman, sophomore, junior, senior. following up in the rear were 2 police cars with lights flashing making sure that these local celebraties were escorted through town without any mishaps.

it was over ~ and however much i didn't want to be captivated by this small town event ~ somehow i was, but i was struck with disbelief as i was standing there thinking "this is just not where i belong". never in a million years did i ever think i would be living in the small town where i grew up ~ i suppose i have to blame my husband for that. you see, he did not grow up in this small town and for whatever the reason he loves it and does not want to leave ~ even though i drop hints about moving all the time. i have a theory about my small town ~ it is that if you didn't grow up here and you found yourself here because this was where your career lead you then you really like living here, you appreciate the smallness. on the other hand ~ those of us who grew up here and because of marriage or careers have remained here, most of "us" don't like it quite so much. for me it is almost claustrophobic ~ it doesn't seem to be as quaint and picturesque as the small town that john mellancamp describes in his song.

"somewhere over the rainbow way up high there's a land that i've heard of once in a lullaby. somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. someday i'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me ~ where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me. somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly. birds fly over the rainbow why then oh why can't i ? "

this was sort of more what i was thinking as i was growing up ~ that i wouldn't find myself staying here. i agree that it is a nice town ~ just not the what i would consider my place over the rainbow.

let's make a deal.....

take a deep breath in and a deep breath out, again, again, again....... lightheaded but having to face the truth ~ i have to do something this weekend that only those who really know me know how much i dread when it comes around ~ the weekend at the inlaws... ( i hear scary theme music in the background as i am writing ! )


yes, it is true ~ i would rather suffer from a 48 hour migraine than visit my inlaws ~ and i have been visiting them for 17 years now, you would think the anxiety brought on by the thought of these visits would have subsided. maybe it has changed from anxiety to just plain indifference. i just do not want to go. it isn't that my inlaws are bad people, or messy, or loud, or odd ~ it is just that i have nothing in common with them. let's face it, they are my grandparents' ages ( that is if i had any grandparents that were still living God bless their wonderful souls). actually i will take that back, i suppose i do have 4 things in common with them ~ my husband and my three children ~ after that ~ nope ~ not a thing.




my inlaws live approximately four hours from where we live and so 3 or 4 times a year we pack up everything but the kitchen sink because with 3 children that is just how it works. we make sure the vehicle dvd players are both working properly and that there are movies appropriate for each child ages 5, 6, and 12. we make sure everyone has made one last bathroom stop and we hop in the car and go. not exactly vacation a la chevy chase ~ but you get the picture.


and, i must admit, now that infant and toddler car seats are no longer in the picture it is a little bit better ~ until one of them says "mom, he's leaning on me" or "mom will you tell her to stop looking at me" or one of another hundred phrases that every parent has heard along the way when everyone piles in the car for a trip.



really ~ the trip is painless compared to what it is like when we arrive. you see, my husband is an only child which makes our 3 children their only grandchildren ~ for ever and ever ~ amen. it kills me what they do for our kids ~ goofy silly stuff and i just want to say "STOP! STOP GIVING MY KIDS STUPID JUNK THAT THEY DON'T NEED FROM THE DOWNTOWN DIME STORE."



but, i bite my tongue and look for the wine, grab my book, and find a nice quiet corner to plant myself in for the next 48 hours. there won't be any meals "in" because, of course, they are at the age when they eat out for every meal. and it is always the same places every visit ~ nothing changes, it is like a time warp and everytime we get there it is like we never left ~ it all stays the same. even their house and the furniture ~ nothing ever gets rearranged or nothing new is ever brought in. and yes, i am sure you are wondering, yes it does look like a page out of a vintage 1970's House Beautiful ~ you know with panelled walls and a very large baby grand piano in a room that is too small with green shag carpet. like i said, it is a time warp ~ it makes me want to break out my platform shoes and grab my husband's polyester leisure suit and put on Saturday Night Fever !!


as people go, they are fine, but i am sure that if it were not for the fact that they are my inlaws they are not the type of people that i would gravitate toward to get to know better. we are just very different and the longer i am married the more evident it becomes and the more i am just at the point where i want to look at my husband and say ~" i am not going this time. your parents want to see you and the kids not me, and to be quite honest with you, i am ok with that." i think that in every marriage there comes a time when that is ok to say and you and your spouse should figure out how to be ok with that decision and know that it isn't done to hurt someone's feelings it is just the way it is.



however, instead of saying that to my husband i will use this trip as leverage ~ and make a deal with him ~ you see ~ there is this great trip i am planning on taking with my girlfriends in november so the more i think about it the more i am willing to suffer this weekend so that i get the all clear when it is time for me to head south on my girlfriend getaway. aaaahhhhhhh (sigh) i can almost taste those yummy pomegranate martinis now ~ go ahead, make mine a double, i need it !!

ME vs. MOM

today i have to be domestic ~ that means i must be productive ~ i must go to the grocery store (which i think most days i would rather slit my wrists than do) ~ i must do laundry or the five people in this house will have no clean clothes to wear. i am sure that i have made my 12yo son wear the same pair of jeans enough this week that soon he is going to turn me in to cps for neglect. i always imagined "someday" when i would have someone come in and clean my house for me, grocery shop for me, do my laundry, etc. while i happily sip starbuck's or margaritas with my wonderful girlfriends. hmmmm, i guess i realize that i am that someone i have been waiting for. ha!!

friday is the one day of the week that i have to myself and dammit ~ i just want to play on the computer all day or go to the lake or go shopping or ~ anything but be domestic and do those things that i am supposed to do. friday is supposed to be MY day ~ and never in my craziest dreams ( and believe me i have a wonderfully wild imagination ) did i ever think that i would have to spend MY day doing all of those domestic duties. let's face it ~ i just want one day a week to rip off that mom label and be this person i think i once was ~ cindy. maybe that is what girlfriend getaways are for ~ and i actually do have one of those coming up in a couple of months! so, maybe today i will be a little of both ~ i was never good at balancing and MOM vs ME is definitely a balancing act that i am still trying to master.

those three little words.....

no, i am not referring to "i am sorry" or " i love you" ~ i am referring to "mommy i'm sick" which i guess should be four words since one is actually a hyphenated word which i know has some special term that i used in elementary school but for the life of me cannot remember what it is!!

so anyway, those are the words my husband and i woke up to this morning @ approximately 3:30a.m. ahhhhhhh, (huge sigh) the joys of having children!! my youngest, 5yrs old, had sort of been out of sorts all evening. i mean, she was crying when i picked her up from daycare but she never said anything about not feeling well so, of course, i did what every mom who craves mommy time does, i drug her to our normal wednesday night activity so that she could hang with her girls and i could hang with mine. well, as i was chatting with my girls she fell asleep on the chairs beside me ~ i guess that should have been my first clue that, yes, something really was wrong with her!! so i continued to chat with my girls ~ thinking that my poor little girl was just exhausted from a long weekend away and later than normal nights. in comes my husband to see what was going on with her, and most likely to tell me that i am being a neglectful parent, and decides he will take her home so that i could finish my girl time. i do have to give him credit ~ he is very good about making sure he gives me space for girl time ~ i suppose because he is hoping it will lead to some "him" time once all three of our beautiful little darling children are snug in their beds. but, since i was still coming out of a small bout with something myself, let's just say the "him" time didn't happen. instead i was in bed by 9pm reading my book for a group study i am in and watching the semi finals of "america's got talent". i know i fell asleep before i found out who the final four acts were going to be in the top 10, (damn!) ~ thank God for yahoo news!! i was rooting for prince poppycock for starters ~ and yes !! ha made it!!!

anyway, back to the original story ~ yes ~ we heard those three little words from our youngest around 3:30a.m. this morning and i have sort of been up ever since taking care of her, watching reruns of shows that i probably never saw the originals of when they were first out on tv, like "who's the boss" and "frasier". i have checked out facebook about a zillion times and read blogs that i have neglected over the past few days.

(this is hayden on a good day!! all smiles!)

my daughter is feeling somewhat better and is asleep at the moment. children always look so peaceful when they are asleep!! me, i suppose i should be sleeping, or being domestic ~ i mean i have loads of laundry to do and a house that is, well let's just say could use some straightening up. but, at home down time doesn't happen very often for me very so i think i will just enjoy sitting here in my pj's, drinking my coffee, and indulging in this unexpected me time. you never know ~ i just might hear those three little words again tonight from one of my other children!!

ok, so yes, i am jealous

blog, blog, what is in a blog??? well, i have this girlfriend who blogs this fabulous little blog and i just love it!!! i am too busy reading her blogs to actually write my own blog i guess. so i am trying to channel her energy into my blog ....... hmmmmmmmm (sitting on floor meditation style) ...... well, let me keep trying! until then let me tell you why i love her blog so much ~ because it is real ~ it is her ~ she is so matter of fact and says it like it is ~ i feel like i am having a conversation with her everytime i read it and then comment. it is like she is naked and she doesn't care who sees her ~ and I LOVE IT!~!!!
unfortunately, if i decide to strip right here, right now, in front of you ~ well, you wouldn't be able to find your off button fast enough!! my nakedness ~ well ~ let's just say ~ i am not very comfortable in the buff. she makes her everyday life sound so "not so ordinary" ~ she finds humor and sanity and insanity and love and passion and sweat and tears and chickens and church and karma and jimmy buffett and conspiracy, well, you name it ~ she makes it all make sense ~ well at least sense to me so maybe that is why i love it and her so much.

i am going to start hanging out more in the buff ~ well, maybe just one little piece at a time ~ but soon it will all be off so watch out ~ keep that off button close!!

let's just start with this ~ i live in this small town in the midwest, i pretty much grew up here and i will have to say that in the thirtysome years that i have lived here it hasn't changed much. if i am blogging thirty years from now i bet it will still be the same town as it is today ~ which to me is very depressing. i tell my husband all the time ~ "i don't mind if you look for a new job somewhere else, another city, another state, far far away", and well, unfortunately he loves it here. ( i believe it is because he did NOT grow up here! ) you see, he is an only child ~ and my whole family lives in my hometown and he LOVES having family around. me, well, let's just say that i love my family too but i am sure i could still love them just as much from a distance! so i keep trying to figure out the best way to live here and not fall into the black hole that i believe it really is. there is something here that just sucks the life out of me ~ but what is worse is that i let it suck the life out of me. so i now try to find the extraordinary in the mundane ~ but sometimes mundane is just that ~ blah!! silver lining ~ i guess that is what they would call it ~ whoever "they" are ~ that is what i will try to find from now on. my girlfriend has definitely found the silver lining and she is having a blast with it. i will keep trying to channel my inner "oxymoron" (which is what she calls herself) in the meantime ~ if there is anyone out there who actually reads this you should follow her blog @ http://thetameone.blogspot.com
have fun getting acquainted with her. and yes, i am jealous because she looks great naked, figuratively speaking!!