i have been studying all day ~ well, since 2:00 and it is now 9:00 so at least for 7 hours. my brain is mush. as i was studying i was watching a special on pbs about a music group from the 60's and 70's and i realized how much i wish i would have been the age i am now back then. don't ask me why ~ i just think i would have been better back then, more free to be who i am ~ maybe not, but i like the dream of how it sounds!
free to be who i am... does not happen that often. recently a friend of mine moved to pennsylvania and as i was hugging her good-bye tears started to roll down my face ~ not so much that she was leaving, but more because i have to stay. i am sure that i have mentioned it before, but i live in the same town that i grew up in and i really do not like it. i feel like people look at me like i am still that little girl that they knew as a i was growing up ~ that in their minds i have never become the person that i am ~ i am still john's daughter. all i could think of was how lucky my friend was to be moving somewhere where no one knew her, she could reinvent herself if she wanted to, no one would ever know. i feel most at home when i am not in my hometown. i love the idea of walking down the streets of chicago or saugatuck or bloomington and NO ONE recognizing me. i think i am so tired of having to be someone's daughter or wife or mother that i love to be where i am anonymous. sometimes anonymous is my favorite thing to be! when i am anonymous i can breathe ~ like a huge weight is lifted off of my chest. no one expects anything from me ~ no one wants anything from me ~ it is a feeling of freedom that i do not experience that often and i cherish every second of it and try to make it last as long as i possibly can.
i guess i will continue to find those pockets of time when i can be me ~ the me i know myself to be ~ not the one everyone expects me to be because i am someone's wife, mother or daughter. i love the me i know i am supposed to be ~ i just don't have time because i am always known as somone else...
time to go back to being a student...
