i have been so crazy busy that i don't have time to even jot down some of the thoughts that have been occupying my mind lately. the good new is ~ i am 1 week away from being finished with course #5 in my master's program ~ only 4 more to go after this ! I will be on the downhill side of earning my degree and i cannot express how incredibly excited i am about beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel!! yeah me!! i am hoping that in fall 2012 i will have a different position with another university and then i can focus on finding my place in the world of academia ~ hey, there has to be a goal and right now the broader the better!
you know what i have been thinking lately ~ that i am not the mom that i thought i would be. when you are younger and you dream about marriage and becoming a mom there are certain things that you think that you know you will do ~ well, i know that i want to do those things but i also know that there have to be financial resources in order to do a lot of those things and i guess i have chosen a path in life that allows me more time with my kids ~ but less of an income. yes, that is the conscious choice i made but in some ways i am just now starting to give up those dreams ~ the dreams of having my children's pictures taken professionally every year ~ individuals and together the 3 of them ~ the dream of having their rooms look like a page out of pottery barn kids ~ the dream of taking wonderful vacations with them every year to places that are so different than where we live ~ the dream of helping them make all of their wishes come true.
my sister always asks what we want for christmas ~ and typically i give a standard answer that is words to a song i love ~ i always tell her that i want, " no more lives torn apart, that wars would never start, and time would heal all hearts. everyone would have a friend, and right would always win, and love would never end... this is my grown up christmas list." (amy grant) ~ this year my sister pre-empted her email about christmas by saying ~ "i can't give you world peace or the love of a lifetime or a million dollars or all the happiness in the world ~ so besides those things what do you want for christmas? ;) so, i shot a different answer to her this year ~ i still have the same grown up christmas list that i have always had, but now i have some other dreams that i would love to have come true ~ i told her that i wanted my oldest son to make the basketball team this year, for my younger son to earn his first blue ribbon this year in swimming ~ for my daughter not to think that she has to put makeup on to make herself look pretty ... although she is only copying what her mother does ~ to forgive a friend who betrayed my trust and hurt me deeply in the process ~ to find my faith again and believe like a child that there is a god who knows me...
well, needless to say, my sister was ticked off at me because i didn't give her anything real ! lol !!
anyway ~ my thoughts are starting to ramble and i am obviously getting tired ~ i am operating on maybe four hours of sleep so it is time for me crash.... good night !
