Five for Fighting - "Chances" (Acoustic)

 every time i hear this song it makes me wish i had a convertible and was heading to the keys with the top down ~ never looking back....

of course, it will never happen, but it is a dream i let live in my mind every now and then....

beautiful mess....

is there really such a thing as a "beautiful mess"?  i used to think i was a beautiful mess, that my life was such a mixed up bag of bits and pieces of who i am, or who i used to be, parts of life that have made me who i am today.  but, now i think there is no such thing as a beautiful mess ~ only an ugly mess that will never become more than what it is now ~ and what it is now is just "messy" ~

one of my favorite songs of all time is "better than a hallelujah" ~ by amy grant.  the words go somethiing like this:

God loves a lullaby in a mother's tears in dead of night ~ better than a hallelujah sometimes....
we pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody ~ beautiful the mess we are ~ the honest cries of breaking hearts ~ are better than a hallelujah.

so, from this song i have really identified how important it is to not only be praising of God and thankful to God for the things in life ~ but i also was finally able to identify that God wants to hear our miseries ~ where we turn to Him with all of those circumstances that are painful and seem insurmountable, and impossible to get through because we are limited human beings.  that our cries, are better than our hallelujahs of joy ~ that our cries are even more melodical and sweet and precious to God than our shouts of hallelujahs. 

i would say for probably the past 3 years i have poured out my miseries ~ and my hallelujahs ~ but i am still that messy mess ~ still searching for clarity and peace in my heart and soul ~ certainly nothing beautiful that is for sure... just messy.  maybe, one day, i will recognize what a "beautiful" mess i was and see how i am no longer so messy, but i no longer believe the impossible to be possible, even with God... some things come through life and change you, change your core beliefs about people and life and maybe, i am seeing with clarity now and i just do not like it, because it has limits and it is messy and ugly ~ whereas before i only saw the positives, the beauty, the wonder, the limitless possibilities that life brings with it ~ never thinking that would ever be taken away from me, thinking that was so engrained in who i am that nothing could ever take it away from me.  i have had lots of crap in my life and nothing has changed me like this, i always was able to see towards the future and know it would be ok ~ to find peace and joy in looking towards the future and the possibilities ~ yes, i was a huge dreamer with my head in the clouds.  not anymore.... and it is killing me.... i barely look past today to tomorrow, let alone into the years of the future... what is the point when you make choices that bind you to where you are because it is the right thing to do. 

nope, no longer a life that is a "beautiful mess" ~ just messy, and ugly, and dreamless....