growing up is difficult ~ even now...
had someone told me that life would be so difficult i would have said ~ "then don't send me" ~
since i was a little girl there have been 2 things i have always wanted in life ~ to love someone, wholly and completely with all of who i really am, and to be loved wholly and completely for all of who i really am ~ i guess that i always thought that would come through my relationship with a partner of some sort ~ a husband or a male significant other ~ i guess i am learning that it does not come from that type of relationship. it comes more from parents and friends and children.... but then, with that, why does there remain this empty place that isn't filled ~ that i think can be filled with that type of love. something that makes you desire to share every stupid, awful, funny, unhappy, hurtful, tragic, fabulous piece of life with that person ~ who you cannot imagine going through life without. maybe that is what a best friend is about ~ to share all of those things with because they "get" you like no one else does. i had always wanted that person to be my spouse, for my spouse to be my best friend. maybe, as someone used to tell me, "cindy, you have your head in the clouds." maybe that is true ~ but i am a dreamer and a believer in something called love and i know me ~ if i don't have love ~ i have nothing.... i am a noisy gong, a clanging symbol....
not long ago i was at a retreat with some friends and i was asked "what makes you happy?" ~ i didn't know what to say, because i wasn't sure anymore what made me happy because i haven't felt "happy" for awhile... my friend who asked the question answered it for me... she said, " you are happy when you are loving people".... which was so true that hearing the words brought the sting of tears to my eyes and sent them streaming down my face. i am happiest when i am loving people ~ i wish i got paid to love on people because i would be happy to give and give and give it all away ~ which made me wonder why that would make me so happy...
i am guessing that i want to love people the way i want to be loved ~ so i do things for people that i would love to have people do for me ~ i think like not many people i know ~ i know i am not normal ~ empathy and compassion are my two greatest strengths ~ i have taken dozens of profile tests that support this. i am so off the charts sometimes but i love "extravagant love"..... i guess that if you are someone i have chosen to let my guard down with, you know this person i am talking about ~ she is happiest in those moments when she is making other people happy ~ loving them. sometimes, though, i wish for that emptiness to be filled up on a more permanent basis, not just a little here and there. i guess that is what i am trying to live with ~ that there is no substitute for; not food, or shopping, or exercise, or music, or make up, or books, or anything else that really takes the place in your heart the way love does.......
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