back from a short hiatus.... :)

ok, here i go with this 30 truths about me... had to take some time off after that last question ~ too depressing!!

day #7 ~ the question is: 

someone who has made your life worth living?

gosh, could the question be more specific????  i mean, i have people in all aspects of my life who make it worth living ~ for all kinds of different reasons.

there is the hula girl ~ who, although we live in the same town ~ we don't see or communicate with each other much but we totally understand each other in some goofy way that only makes sense to us.  sometimes, if it weren't for her and her head in the clouds way of living and loving life,  i would think there was something wrong with me.  she makes me know that i am normal... whatever the hell normal really is.  she brings bits of happiness and sunshine to my life that i do not know what i would do without.  it can get really dark for me sometimes and she will pop in from nowhere and make things better ~ and she probably doesn't even know it !   thank you hula girl..... you make my life worth living.

then there is the girl friend i tell everything to  ~ she makes me want to believe in the impossible.  she has had junk,  i mean a lot of junk in the past year ~ crazy stuff ~ and whatever it is that she holds onto to get  through it ~ it works!!  i wish i had what she has... she knows more about me than i would say anyone ~ and she still loves me and accepts me and sees in my life what i do not see.  she has been this rock for me for about 7 months and however it was that she ended up in front of me ~ whoever placed her there ~ i could never thank them enough.  she is my angel ~ my wild and crazy and amazingly strong angel ~ she makes me want to stick with it ~ because there has to be something better out there than what i know i am seeing ~ and she is trying to get me there and help me see it !     you make my life worth living   xoxoxoxo

my sisters ~ definitely make my life worth living... we have gone through a lot of the same life experiences and they have shaped us to be who we are today, for better or worse.  the three of us are so different in so many ways, but so similar as well.  we have been taught to overcome our hurts and struggles ~ but they are still there, deep within us, and between the three of us we know what triggers the tears and the laughter ~ what we know we have lost in life, but also what we have gained through those losses.  none of us have had it easy ~ we have each struggled with our own deep emotional hurts ~ but family ties you with binds that are stronger than steel and we love each other through all of our junk.... they make my life worth living.

my children ~ gosh, how God ever thought i could be responsible enough for three beautiful souls to take care of i have absolutely no clue.  i can't take care of myself, how am i ever going to take care of them?  in the still of the morning or late at night ~ i will sit by their beds and stare at them and think "what am i doing as a mom?  please don't let me ruin their lives".  like someone is really listening to me in the great out there.  my kids, i would die for them to make them happy.  my heart breaks for them knowing the heartaches they will endure in their lives in the future... am i raising them to be able to handle the hurt they will encounter, the disappointments that no doubt happen in life.  if i could give them the world i would... i also just hope they know that i am doing the best i can, and i know it isn't good enough, but sometimes it is all i have to give.  when life gets to be too much for me.... they are my reason for living ~ they make my life worth living.

as i look at this, i believe had i tried to answer this question a year ago my answer would be very different.  as much as i hate to accept it, but have to,  people come and go in our lives... even when you don't want them to go, they do.  sometimes i tell myself that i am not going to let people near me ~ emotionally ~ because i am not good at letting go... in fact, it is wore than death for me!!  at least sometimes, death makes sense.  when people leave your life for no reason that i can understand, it is heartwrenching for me because i get so wrapped up in sharing my life with other people ~ relationships keep me going ~ they are part of what i live for ~ they make my life worth living.  take that piece or that person away ~ and sometimes i wonder, how do i go on without that person to share my life with.  and it hurts, a lot.  maybe slowly, over time, the hurt goes away, but sometimes, i wish i could erase the memories of those people who are gone as well, because i would rather live like they had never existed than to remember the good times that are no more.  maybe that is why i have these people, who i have mentioned, in my life now ~ to make new memories for me, to help me forget the people i have lost and to fill those holes in my heart that i have from their absence.

we'll see ~ i know i love them all ~ they do make my life worth living........